Weakness

This is stupid, right?  This entire idea that I can be a writer.  The delusions of grandeur that I have of someday having a best selling book, or even worse winning a Nobel Prize in Literature.  It’s ridiculous that I think of these things when I’m lost in my make believe world.  When I sit down to write my thoughts give credence that this is all stupid because every little distraction and obstacle makes me want to give up.  I question whether my ideas are even that good.  I wonder why I thought I could even do it to begin with.  Then I think about all of the more talented people in the world that have had over a decade of a head start with proper education on how to be a writer and I think of how I’m wasting my time.  But no matter how devastated I make myself in crushing my dreams they are always there again at some point.  Sometimes its in the next few days, or the next day, or in a few hours, or a few minutes but they always come back.  They linger in the back of my mind though and even when I’m feeling energized I wonder what to do when I feel weak.  How do I keep those thoughts at bay and have confidence in myself.

 

When you think your dreams are ridiculous and there is never any way they will live up to that you want do you listen to your thoughts?  Are dreams supposed to be realistic or the far out reaches of what amazing possibilities could be if everything goes right?  I remember when I first moved here my wife’s cousin saw a black Dodge Stealth and said that was her dream car.  I thought this was, to put it bluntly, a really lame dream car.  To me that was a nicer car to hope to be able to own someday.  My idea of a dream car was something a bit more fancy.  I guess it really just shows the kind of scale people think of when their world is defined in monetary terms.  I’m sure there are people who would read this and think my dream car was laughable as well (although I’ve upgrade my dream car since then).  But it still makes me think, dreams aren’t made to be something obtainable, they’re meant to be the reason you smile about your possibilities.

My weakness is directly related to my fear of failure.  I’m so afraid of failing that I give up before I start because I think “why bother?”  The way I come back from that is telling myself that I can’t give up before I try.  I can’t stop doing something before I’ve even started.  I may have ideas that never develop beyond the fun part of the concept but I’ll never know if I don’t put the effort in to see.  The weakness is only there because I have no success to measure it against only a multitude of times I’ve given up, so many times that it’s become normal and easier to do so.  My purpose with this blog is to try and write as much as possible, everyday if I can.  If I can do that for an extended period of time it will give me a spark of success with my writing that I’ve never had before.  From that I’ll be able to build and show myself that my dreams are worth pursuing.

The weakness goes beyond just my writing, the same holds true for nearly everything in my life.  I can’t lose weight because I think in terms of “why bother” and “but I really want it.”  Why bother I’m just going to ruin any progress I have tomorrow or the next day.  But I really want it and I’ll do better after that.  I was successful two years ago because I had success in the early going and I didn’t want to give up.  When I would step on the scale and see that I lost 5 lbs in a week and be motivated to keep going.  I need to build on any little successes I create and keep pushing myself from that.

Every time I feel weak I need to remember the purpose of why I’m doing what I’m doing.  Why am I trying to lose weight?  Health and appearance.  Why do I want to be a writer?  To be proud of what I do and love doing it.  These aren’t things that I’m doing just for the hell of it, I’m doing them because I want to change my life for the better.  I’m doing them because they are the things I think about most over the course of a day.  I need to remember that if it’s worth thinking about everyday then its worth going after until I’ve succeeded.

 

 

Great works are performed, not by strength, but by perseverance.

 

-Samuel Johnson

 

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