I know I shouldn’t still be mad

I know I shouldn’t be mad and I don’t really have a right to.  But I can’t help but continue to have this feeling of anger towards the situation.  Its not you though.  I don’t know if I could ever be mad at you.  Of course I could be mad at you but the thought of it seems so foreign that it would have to be an alternate reality.

It’s stupid to be mad.  Why do I have the right to be mad?  But it’s there.  You can’t help how you feel but you can try and reason it.  I understand it and I understand why its dumb but it won’t go away.  I don’t know if that’s because I don’t want to feel so guilty or I just want to be the victim.  I’m still sorry, and I hate it but I’m still mad.

I want to stop being mad.  I don’t even want to think about it anymore.  I can’t say I don’t want to think about you anymore though.  I even saw you today, as weird as that is.  It doesn’t happen much lately.  But seeing you has the same locked gaze affect it always did, only now I try not to be seen.  I think I’m just mad that it happened, and possibly that I don’t think I’ll ever be forgiven.