Warning: This is going to be dumb. Read on at your own peril.
Alright, a few posts ago I mentioned how I didn’t write reviews because they I am terrible at it. So naturally I thought it’d be a great idea to review things on an irregular basis. I mean, what could go wrong?
Actually, the real reason I decided to do this is because I wanted to work on a bit of writing. I’m generally a very silly person who likes to write weird things that are mostly just dumb. I used to write in the margins of newspapers while on break at work. It was always nonsense but it kept my mind occupied. Sometimes it was kind of clever but mostly it = dumb.
So, since I can’t write a real review (or really have no attempt at trying to) I thought I would write a review, of sorts, that = dumb. This would keep my bizarre sense of humor in check and not let it languish behind my ultra brooding love lust of whatever the hell I’m writing all of the other times.
Without further ado; my review of…-dun dun dun-
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
OMG! DINOSAURS! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!
*This is the second point in this post where I’m going to give you another chance to bail and save your eyes some painfully stupid nonsense. I won’t give these asides anymore to avoid being repetitive. Just…trying to save you a bit of time as its just basically going to be more of that up there with the omg and the yes’s and stuff.
So yeah like…DINOSAURS! WOO HOO!
So, okay. There were the dinosaurs and they are all going to get eaten by a volcano’s red tears. So the guy who came in and directed the new Star Wars movie, Han Solo But Not Really (that was the original title I’m told), his daughter (yeah I know, he’s got a daughter!) so his daughter wanted to go hug all of the dinosaurs and put them on jet skis so they can jet ski off to a new island and not get eaten by the volcano tears.
The tears were really hot so that’s why it was a big deal.
But she can’t do it herself, even if she isn’t wearing heels through the whole movie anymore. I mean, I never got the big hub bub about the heels from the first one because the girl was a business woman, they wear heels. Chill, ya’ll. Anyways, she needed help so she brought nerdy guy and archeo-doctor girl. That *STILL* wasn’t enough though so she had to get Star Lord/Bert Macklin/Johnny Karate/Owen Wilson (I think that was his name in the movie. Its Owen something, lets go with Wilson) to help.
I’m going to stop here and tell you that I don’t care what any of you think, Chris Pratt is the best Chris. Hemsworth is second. Chris Captain America is third (I can’t remember his last name) and Star Trek Chris is fourth. Is there another Chris? Chris Owens? Is, is that a name of someone? I think that’s a name of someone but I can’t figure it out.
Back to where your attention needs to be; DINOSAURS!
This movie has everything;
- A brand new dinosaur that they cooked up in that lab of theirs.
- That guy who played the weird computer doctor thing in Captain America 2: Fallen Kingdom.
- Babe’s Farmer Dad
- A kid who wasn’t annoying
- Guys who you know are bad guys from the moment you see them on screen
- Rogue dentistry
- A dumbwaiter
- What I can only assume is a road runner reference at the end of the movie?
- A smirking dinosaur (seriously, a fucking dinosaur smirked. TWICE! You can’t be mad at that either because if you’re reading the script and it says “dinosaur smirks” you don’t even have a question you’d ask about it.)
I would like to say that dumbwaiters get a bad wrap because in every movie or tv show I’ve ever seen they have been quite helpful and not even the slightest bit dumb.
This movie was just so good. My daughter and I compared each dinosaur to a pet we have in our house. The mean dinosaur’s that clawed and ate people were our new cat. He has extra claws. The new cat, not the dinosaur, which is probably more scary than a dinosaur. His name is Alexandar Pete Newkitty, again the cat not the dinosaur but it would be pretty awesome if that was a dinosaur’s actual name. In fact if I ever stumble across some dinosaur bones that is what I’m going to name it.
What movie? Oh right!
So the movie was cool. I really think the whole concept was just the guy who wrote it really hated dentists and he needed to write a movie about it but he couldn’t sell it to Hollywood so he crammed it into a sub plot in a movie with dinosaurs. That’s my theory anyways.
I was, however, disappointed that Thanos didn’t make an appearance. Star Lord is getting off kind of easy after his big fuck up in Infinity War. But I guess that’s why he was reduced to carpenter in this movie. I bet he’s never going to finish that house.
I was also disappointed that, when running away from the stampeding dinosaurs due to the sneezing volcano they didn’t just jump on one of the dinosaurs back and ride it to safety like they would have in an 80s movie. Man, 80s movies in general were so lame because you absolutely know that they would have tried to ride a dinosaur at some point. I guess, technically, someone did in this movie but shut up okay?
So, overall, I give this movie seven smirking dinosaurs up. Which is really good because usually I only grade on a 1-5 scale. (Get it? Scale? Because dinosaurs probably had scales and if you say no they don’t then how do you know? Huh? Did you ever meet one? No? Didn’t think so.)
Go see this movie. Don’t listen to rotten tomatoes or any other aggregate site. Its not a movie that is going to be ground breaking or win any awards but that’s not what its trying to be. This is a movie that’s a lot of fun with a lot of action. Oh, also it has DINOSAURS! Kick ass dinosaurs that eat people and step on things and run and smirk. THE DINOSAUR FUCKING SMIRKS TWICE HOW CAN THIS MAKE YOU NOT WANT TO GO SEE WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT GO RIGHT NOW!
Also I’m not being paid for this review by Universal or whoever owns all of the dinosaurs in the world but I’ll totally take some money for it if they want to give it to me. I just thought it was a really cool movie and think people who like fun movies would enjoy it too.
Don’t @ me. Or…yeah no go ahead and @ me. I only have like 20 followers. @ me about dinos@urs. Or the movie. Or what you’re having for dinner tonight because I need ideas. My wife is making curry and I’m really not into it so I want to make something else but I don’t know what. Hurry up too, by the time this posts it’s gonna be like…oh wait no tomorrow night is curry. Never mind, I’m good.
Thanks for reading!
PS: Yes I know this isn’t a letter but I *JUST* thought of something and I didn’t know where to stick it so I thought I’d add a “PS” at the end.
Have any of you seen the Lego movie? No? God damnit….anyways…go watch that one too (Omg…that has the best Chris in it too. I swear I’m totally not Chris Pratt trying to pimp his movies out. He’s way cooler than me. Well, slightly cooler than me. I mean, he doesn’t have cool sunglasses like I do so I got that going for me.) My point? Oh right! The title of this post, you can sing it to the tune of the “everything is awesome” song from the Lego Movie.
Yeah sorry…I should have just kept that to myself. Anyways…just think of this as one of those post credit scenes that are all the rage now. Only…you know…with no significance whatsoever.