Review: Star Wars Tattoo! (not what you think)

In the third installment of my review series of reviewing things nobody asked for and I’m completely not qualified in reviewing: The Nova Scotia Royal Tattoo.  After looking it up because I was unsure what it was actually called I should probably call it by its real name:

The Royal Nova Scotia International Tattoo

Brief history of this:

  • Its held yearly
  • It uh, um let me do a quick google search again.
  • Was first held in 1979.
  • In 2010 the Queen of England was supposed to attend but didn’t because she wanted to do some parkour or something on some stairs.  I don’t know what really happened I’m just paraphrasing.
  • My uh wife apparently really wanted to go all her life.  I didn’t know this before yesterday.
  • So did my mother-in-law.  The all her life thing, not finding out my wife wanting to go.

 

Apparently a “Tattoo” is also something to do with military drum banging and bugle sounding.  You know whats funny though?  Bugles always seem like they’d be a good snack but when you have them they really aren’t.  You’re basically eating air.  I’m always disappointed.  I bet they don’t even work as brass instruments either.  Lame.

The whole thing was a bunch of bands and a shit ton of bagpipes.  Like way more bagpipes than were even in Braveheart and as I remember there were a lot of bagpipes.

Side note:  We were supposed to have bagpipes play during our wedding.  Yeah, I know.  But we didn’t have them or I don’t remember them if they did.  Anyways, I do remember we had a guy who played a harp.  People let me tell you this; you think you want a harp to play at your wedding?  You don’t.  Trust me.

A secondary side note: I apologize to anyone who likes the RNSIT (if that isn’t the official abbreviation it should be).  I make fun of things.  Everything.  This event just wasn’t my thing but I was volun-told that I had to go simply because I was driving.  So now I’m going to rag on it a little bit (a lot).  If you like it and you don’t want it to read it be disparaged then please don’t continue.  Although I don’t think any of you reading this know what it is as I’m not sure out of my vast amount of 40 followers any of them are Canadian, definitely not Nova Scotian.

I feel like Milhouse waiting for Poochie to get to the fireworks factory writing this.

The first half was kind of a blur, mainly because I was very surprised that this god damn thing was broken up into halves.  Like seriously when the guy who looked like Santa Clause said there was going to be a 20 minute intermission I groaned so hard I think he heard me.

What I remember from the first half was as follows:

  • A loud cannon firing that I was not prepared for and made me jump about twenty-eight feet in the air.
  • Some very strange acrobatic display where a girl hooked the top of her hair to a rope from the ceiling and kind of swung around on it.  Yes, it was as weird as it sounds.
  • Fancy socks (seen in the picture displayed as the header for the post)
  • A mock raid of someone’s tool shed
  • Very happy African acrobat dudes who actually were pretty damn cool
  • Star wars music for some reason
  • Seating not meant for people with long legs (although that’s not really the shows doing but still, not everybody is 5 foot 8 or shorter)
  • An odd Salsa dance routine where a very attractive woman in a red dress was dancing to a 12 year old boy’s guitar playing.  Yeah.

By the time the second half rolled around I was about done being tolerable and decided to text live updates to people who either; weren’t there or weren’t sitting with me.

I started by texting my wife who had way better seats than I did.  Although that worked out better because I wouldn’t have been able to text if I had seats where she was sitting.  But I would have been able to make pithy comments to her.  But then she would have hit me and told me to shut up.

There were these people with ladders.  I’m pretty sure they were kids, maybe teenagers.  The ladders were white.  This is important.  Okay not really but that they all were same color is important.  They all got together and made the ladders into waves.  I know what you’re thinking and I don’t know how else to describe it.  Whether this is impressive or not is up to you I just felt like ladders being turned into waves was worth sharing.

My wife wasn’t responding to my texts.  It was either because she was three rows from the floor and thought it would look rude to have her phone out or because she knew it was from me and didn’t want to.  Anybodies guess as to which it was.  I decided to bug my teenager who stayed home.

Now a bunch of guys came out and they were wearing these black robes.  There was something resembling Russian music playing so I took a quick picture and texted, “look, Russian draculas.”

The draculas danced around and were then joined by an equal amount of women wearing all white.  I was beginning to think maybe we were watching an interpretive dance of a chess match.  That is, until they started spinning.

There was one guy who came out and he was spinning hard.  Arms, legs, everything was spinning.  For some reason I thought this resembled Aladdin, don’t ask me why.  Perhaps it was the parachute pants.  I appreciated the entire show trying to bring parachute pants back.

Then it started to really go down hill.  They did a jazz band version of Star Wars with a bunch of really old guys.  On the floor they showed a picture of the ISS.  Just because something is in outer space doesn’t make it automatically Star Wars relevant people!

I then texted:

“I swear to Childish Gambino that if they show a picture of the new Solo guy I’m rioting.”

I just wasn’t having it at that point.

I began to think I was in the wrong auditorium because they started singing some German song and I was very confused.  It did seem odd to me that they were celebrating German military songs or whatever it was, I wasn’t paying attention that closely, considering a lot of the “Heroes and Legends” theme of the show was about WW1 and WW2.  Just saying.

Oh yeah and there were bikes.  Not motorcycles, just a bunch of dudes on bikes doing tricks.  I don’t really know how that fit in with the over all motif but yeah.  Bicycles.

The Jordanian Silent Guard came out next.  They were neat.  Although I felt a little bit disappointed because for a silent guard they were pretty damn loud.  I was in row 15 or something and I could hear all of their stomping pretty damn clearly.  I hope they aren’t supposed to be ninjas because it really isn’t going to work out for them if they are.

Oh and they had the coolest pants.  Or I don’t know if they were actually pants, it may have been long robe-type whatever.  I’m terrible at knowing what clothes are called.  The pants/robe whatever things kept swooshing all over.  It was hypnotizing.

They also had bayonets on the end of their guns which led me to muse why more things don’t have bayonets.  Here is a list I came up with of things that could benefit from a bayonet:

  • bowls – so people think twice about trying to disturb your cereal or ice cream
  • cats – cats can never be too deadly
  • books – never have to shoosh someone again
  • bayonets – imagine if a knife on the end of something had another knife.

The next thing to come on stage received this reaction from me:

“O-M-G…MORE STAR WARS.”

I’m hoping John Williams isn’t told about this thing because he’s going to want some action on all his intellectual property that was taken.

It was getting close to the finale because a lot of people started coming out on stage.  Particular attention of mine was spent on a row of small human beings that looked like children, however they were all wearing red robes that went from their neck to their feet and they really freaked me out.  I’m not really sure why though.

The biggest surprise surprise of the night was when the Aussie’s came out.  I made note by saying “Awwww shit here come the Aussies.”  But then was greatly perplexed by why the Aussies started playing bagpipes.  I had no idea Australians played bagpipes.

No harps though.  Not a single one.

My final take of the night was to my wife.  The reason I switched seats with my daughter and mother-in-law was because my daughter wanted to see horses.  By the end of the show I didn’t see a single fucking horse.  I made her aware of this fact.

“I heard someone say there would be horses.  I saw 0 horses.  0.  Not even someone dressed as a horse.  I’m pissed.”

Then all of the thank yous came pouring in on stage (none to me, ingrates).  At one point they thanked a Colonel that sounded like Colonel Sanders and that made me hungry.  Thankfully it wasn’t too much longer.  Unfortunately all of the taco bells were closed when we left because they only exist in malls in Nova Scotia now and I hate it here because of that.  Even if they don’t have a full menu I want taco bell at 11pm on the way home from watching military style marching, star wars music and guys doing bike tricks.

Would I go to the RNSIT again?  I didn’t want to go to begin with, why in the hell would I go again?  It was everything I dreamed it would be and worse.  But if you enjoy that type of thing, military parading, marching, bag pipes, bicycle tricks and world entertainment stuff then you may enjoy this type of thing.  I, personally, would have rather stayed home and gotten a few episodes of Luke Cage season 2 in.

The lesson learned?  The next time you have a night off at random you should forget to tell your wife until later in the day.  This will avoid the chance of her trying to fill your night with goings-on.

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