Review: You’re it!

Because I’m dumb and like to do dumb things I’ve decided to make this review thing a normal…thing.  What do you mean I said that already?  Oh, because I said that already.  Right.

Yeah but like, this is real now because I wrote the word “Review” with a colon after it.  I even made another category even though I don’t know how categories actually work.  This is like making something instagram official.  Big news.

Anyways, I saw this movie and like…figured why not.  This is my review of the movie…


It’s so anti-climactic looking.  Just three stupid letters.  Maybe I should capitalize them?  Let’s try it…



That looks…better?  It looks more militaristic.  Which I don’t know if its a good thing or a bad thing.  I should probably write something about the movie, shouldn’t I?  Yeah, probably.

So the movie was like…okay I guess.  I kind of wanted to see it at one point but then better movies came out and I lost interest but my wife wanted to go see a movie and she has no interest in dinosaurs or star warses or incredible cartoon people.  She also already saw a movie about old women reading soft core porn.

The only other option was a movie about women stealing jewelry, which seemed kind of sexist because of course women would want to steal jewelry.  Pretty!  But then most heist movies are often about stealing jewelry so it’s really not that big a deal and why did you even bring it up?  She didn’t want to see that, even though it had Mindy Kaling in it and she’s awesome.  If you haven’t had a chance to read her commencement speech for students at Dartmouth you should, it’s friggin hilarious and she’s my idol now.  She talks like I think, which is weird.

Oh!  The movie, right.  You can see what I thought of this movie by how much I’ve written about it this far into a review about it.  Yeah I know.  It was…alright.  I don’t know.  What do you want from me?

The movie was about a bunch of old dudes who play the game of tag every year for 30 years in the month of May.  That is pretty much all you need to know about the plot.  Oh except that wanna-be Jason Bourne/Arrow guy from the Avengers has never been tagged so the other friends team up to want to tag him.

I went in with the idea of “well I like some of the guys in it so maybe that’ll be enough.”  It was not enough.  I’ve never watched Mad Men so I can’t make any reference towards it but the guy from that movie was in it and they actually made him kind of boring.  The guy who was supposed to be as good as Steve Carrell in The Office is in it and he was exactly who he always is in everything.  There was also the love child of Mark Ruffalo and Owen Wilson.  There is also Hannibal Buress, who a lot of people think is funny but I’ve never really understood myself.

That’s the movie.  These guys running around trying to tag each other.  There are some funny moments.  Isla Fisher plays the role of super intense but really cute girl that for some reason I think she plays a lot.  I don’t know if I’m off base on that but it seems…maybe because she was in that other movie, Wedding Crashers, that she played something similar.

(Yes, that movie also starred Owen Wilson and NO I’M NOT OBSESSED!)

I’d uh…on my own scale I’d give it five arms trying to tag Owen Wilson even though he’s not even in this movie.  That would be out of 10 arms trying to tag Owen Wilson.  It was okay.  I’d have rather not spent $25 on it and instead saw Mindy Kaling try and steal diamonds with Rihanna and Thor’s sister because I am *SO* freaking into that look.  I hope this is the Halloween costume for 2018.

So what’s it, about 240 words out of 700+ about the movie that I’m reviewing should tell you all you need to know on whether you should see it or not.  For those of you unable to read between the lines, don’t bother.  It’s one of those put-on-in-the-background-because-you-don’t-want-to-pay-attention-but-also-don’t-want-to-listen-to-your-kids-fight-downstairs-about-who-was-staring-at-who-and-who-was-sitting-where-first type of movies.

The lesson here?  When life asks you if you want to see a movie about old men doing dumb things or Mindy Kaling, always choose Mindy Kaling.

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