Oh Snap!

I saw an article recently about Avengers: Infinity War and it made me laugh a little.  I didn’t read it though.  Do we ever read the articles or just the headlines?  Who has TIME for reading anyways?  Psh.  If it isn’t in gif form I can’t even.

So, being about two months since the movie came out I figured all of the spoiler crows could calm down if I continued on this articles investigation.

********

Careful: Spoilers abound!

The article is from one of my favorite “oh hey cool look at this” websites, The AV club.  It’s titled Yes, Thanos also killed half of all the puppies and kittens in Avengers: Infinity War.  I didn’t laugh because I’m sadistic or necessarily believed in Thanos’ personal fief system, but more the scope of where something from a movie can lead.  So I decided to delve further in to the snap and see what other poor things’ population have been cut in half.  You know, because we’re all too happy nowadays and need a little more misery in our lives.

 

Porgs

The first thing I thought of when coming up with this idea were the Porgs, the poor little puffin look-alike creatures from the newest Star Wars movie: Whoa, Princess Leia can fucking fly through space?  (that was the working title when it was being written, I’ve been told).

This seemed more like a joke on Chewie though than anything.  Poor guy just wanted some porg meat and the lil bastards wouldn’t stop looking at him.  Like, come on.  It was already dead!  Him not eating it is just wasteful.  Thanos doesn’t look kindly on waste, it’s the reason he’s snapping his fingers in the first place!

 

Endangered Species

Seriously though, Thanos.  You couldn’t have made an exception for the endangered species.  I know you want to even out the universe and whatever because you’re so damn special that nobody else can think of, oh I don’t know, a recycling program or something for you to get involved in.  But things like the endangered black & white rhinocerosesesisoses’ses’Cross River Gorillas (side note: Cross River Gorilla’s ain’t got time for your shit, Thanos.  Look at that MF.  They ain’t havin’ it.), this weird fake-ass dolphin looking thing,  this OTHER weird, fake-ass dolphin looking thing, a water bloodhound, narwhal’s (which, technically, are weird ass dolphin/whale looking things), wanna-be reindeer, skipjack tuna (otherwise known as fish.  It looks like every fish I’ve ever seen), and this- whatever the hell his is that wants you to get off its lawn.

Leave these poor creatures alone.  Us human’s are doing a fine enough job killing them ourselves.  Wait, maybe Thanos has a point.

 

Boybands

What I’m wondering is like, how is this going to work?  Do we have to lose all of Backstreet Boys or all of N’sync (shut up, I don’t know how to do their damn name).  Or will it be more along the lines of losing Kevin, Howie, Joey, JT and Lance?  Don’t look up whether I got those names right or not because either way I’m not sure if I’ll be proud or ashamed.

Although I guess if it was the latter they could all team up and make a new boy band and would it really matter?  I mean, without Timberlake N’sync was just the Backstreet Boys anyways.  Omg wait, what about 98 degrees?!  Nick!  Don’t take away Nick!  You can have Drew.

 

The Kardashians

STOP!  Stop!  Seriously, stop.  No!  No.  Noooooo.  Before you say anything, stop.  Okay.  No!  No.  Close your mouth.  Stop thinking.  Just wait and hear me out.

If Thanos’ snap took half of the Kardashians does Rob count for more than one?  Okay, that was mean.  I’m sorry.  But seriously, if he eliminated half of the Kardashians one of two things would happen:

  1. We’d be left with the worst ones, you know it.  There would be Kendall and Rob and probably Caitlyn.  It doesn’t matter if two of them are Jenners, they are all Kardashians.  We’d also get left with Kanye and Scott and Kim’s annoying AF friend Jonathon whatever who straight looks like a serial killer with that dead-eye stare.
  2. They’d probably just multiple to refill the population because I swear there are ten times as many now as there were a few years ago.

 

Big Brother Cast

If this happened during the Big Brother season then half of the cast would just disappear.  The people left would be wondering what kind of weird trick Julie was playing on them this time.  The show would have to cut the season down in half as well and we’d only have a thousand hours of TV to catch up on because we can’t possibly watch that much reality in one week OMG HELP ME!

This one might be okay.  Do your thing, Angry Grimace.

 

Captain Picard and Gandalf

Captain Picard and Gandalf have the sweetest friendship in the history of old white men and if Thanos’ snap killed one of them I’d die for the other.  I am imagining the ending as kind of a Notebook kind of deal where if one of them dies the other can’t be long for this world any longer and passes away as well.  The saddest thing would be, though, that when everyone that turned into mulch is eventually brought back it’ll be a Romeo and Juliet deal for the one that perished.  Oh happy Thanos, this is thy gauntlet, there rust and let me ride the wind.

 

Conjoined Twins?

I’m curious as to how this would work.  Is it a two-fer or would only one go?  Like, could this be an alternative to surgery?  I dunno, I’m still feeling it out.  Thanos, stay in touch.  We might have a thing here.  $$$$

 

Grease Head Jr, Vampire Troll and Vapidly Complicit

I’m starting to see where Thanos’ point may lie.  He can have all three.  Please.  Take the whole family.

 

Fucking Plants!

Seriously, he did NOT think this through!  If he eliminates half of all living things he’s going to get rid of all of the plants and trees and bushes that trade out dangerous Co2 for healthy, breathable oxygen!  Did he not take Science 101!  THIS IS IMPORTANT!  GOD DAMNIT THANOS YOU’LL DOOM US ALL!

 

Yogurt

I may be off base on this one but its my understanding that yogurt is just good bacteria cultures, right?  It makes looking at it make me kind of squeamish, but anyways.  Bacteria cultures are living things, right?  So if half of living things killed and gone then there is going to be a shit load of space in the cold section of the grocery aisle.

Who is going to clean up all that mulch-y ash stuff then huh, Thanos?  You killed half the sanitation staff and now all that is left is Leonard and Darryl and we both know Darryl doesn’t do a whole lot of anything.  Leonard’s going to quit and then what are we going to do about cleaning up the pickle jars when they get knocked over?  Huh?  Yeah, maybe your mass plan of saving the galaxy didn’t include the tiny details like this.

Plus, what are all the happy white women going to do for their commercial jobs?  They won’t be able to smile and eat yogurt anymore!  You’re putting people out of work, Thanos!

 

 

I’m sure there are more things that we haven’t considered the carnage in the wake of the snap.  Feel free to drop any other living things that will be sorely missed, and maybe a few that won’t, if you can think of any.

Side note:  Can Thanos just snap along with music when he’s wearing the gauntlet?  Like, what if he were listening to the Adams Family theme song and he snaps along.  Does each snap take half the universe every time?  Or is it kind of a on and off switch where when he snaps once they’re gone and snaps twice they come back?  Like a clap on but this is a snap on.  Someone needs to come up with the rules for this damn gauntlet.  Is there an instruction manual somewhere?

 

16 thoughts on “Oh Snap!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s