Today is the greatest day.
Side Note: This has nothing to do with Royal stuff or Political stuff (except the parts where I mention Royal or Political stuff).
Back to where I was, today is the greatest day. Why? Because of the day it is, duh. Today is the greatest day because it is August 4th. That day holds special meaning to this world and now you will know why and you will adopt it as your gospel and preach it upon the rooftops on your lunch break whenever you decide that a salad just isn’t going to cut it today.
I am inserting a page break now. This is not over. Please click “keep reading” or “continue reading” or whatever the hell it says right below here:
Congratulations! You made it! Now you can keep reading and find out why August 4th is your new number one holiday destination for calendar enthusiasts.
We all like lists, yeah? I’m assuming you’ve all gathered I enjoy lists. Lists for everyone! Lets go down the lists then, shall we? (did I say shall we already somewhere else? I feel like I typed it before. My fingers have a weird memory for key strokes. Anyways)
Ms Duchess of all things Beautiful – I mean…come on. She’s like seriously the most beautiful woman in the world. (objectively so! Don’t be like all…going to that place where people say you can’t judge beauty just based on Hollywood with professional make up designers and robots that can see the future blah blah blah. Just shut up and agree okay?) Anyways. Ms Markle (I *SO* want to say Meghan Urkel sometimes just because it rhymes with her last name)…(her last name is a ton of fun to say though. Plus the alliterative feature of her name is fun. Everything is fun!) Where was I? Oh, right. Meghan Markle is gorgeous. I think she’s my number one famous person crush taking over for people I’m not going to say because I don’t want to sully Meghan’s good standing by lumping her in such a category. -heart eyes emoji-
(looks closer at the picture) Meghan…are you…did you forget to take the sticker off of your sunglasses? You’d think you would have people looking out for that sort of thing. Jeez.
We want you back! – Please come back to us. Please. If you staged a coup right now you’d have millions of people. Sorry, this was supposed to be in a separate email but I had to just…it was on my mind. Former President Obama was the original high bar for this date in awesome history but you know someone flashy and beautiful always takes the crown while the king is looking down. He’s cool. He’s smart. He’s awesome. He’s missed.
(I just did a quick scroll through this day in history and HOLY SHIT THIS REALLY IS THE BEST DAY! A-ha all you suckers with lame days.)
OMG! I’ve completed this entire post and forgot what made me want to write it in the first place. Well…secondly. First was Meghan -dreamy eyed emoji- and then the sole reason we are all living on this planet and alive today! We need to get this meme-ing business going. Make the world a better place.
Drink! – In 1693 mother fuckin baller! Dom the Maybe-He-Did-Maybe-He-Didn’t Perignon attributes this day to inventing the thing that everyone sprays on each other when they do a sports good!
American Life – In 1821 we all got to read a magazine with pictures you’ll recognize forever but won’t know where they were from because you can’t quite remember it and why do the people look so damn weird.
There’s a Pope. (never mind that he was only pope for 12 days, shortest in history. How the hell you get malaria after becoming the Pope? Sounds like God didn’t approve of this selection)
Dude who married the chick who wrote Frankenstein! We got monsters up in this bitch!
Luggage – Meghan can go stylish when she travelin.
I think this is why she was allowed in, honestly. And no, this isn’t just a bunch of stuff in relation to Meghan. She’s just that good.
A really really really really really really really really really really old Japanese lady.
We got music! For some reason I always confuse him with the astronaut even though there isn’t even the full name in common. Maybe I should write a fanfic about Louis Armstrong going to the moon and Neil playing the…trumpet? Yeah…yeah trumpet.
We got some french fried taters, Mmhmm. Wow, who knew Slingblade dude is older than Obama!
A really good baseballer and, I’ve heard, a massive jerk.
Someone to drive us everywhere!
Lady Bird herself! (no, not the old Johnson woman). I love Greta!
This guy with a kick ass name!
Although it wasn’t all bubbly drinks, driving fast in a circle and suitcases. There were some sad moments like the few we’ve lost on this day:
Who can forget her and her awesomeness.
Okay that was kind of it for loses. People didn’t want to sully up this good day with some depressive stuff.
We have the best patron saint of any of them, I don’t care what anybody else says. Not only does it sound cool to say (with and without the hard ‘th’) but who wouldn’t want a Saint with a pack of rabid dogs following him around?
Ignore the “but it actually means” and focus on the word feast. Today is literally the day (yes, literally, shut up) of feasts!
That culminates the awesomeness of this day and proves the legitimacy of it all. I hope you all feel bad about your own days now because that really was the goal of this post, beyond the stupidity and time wasting aspect. In conclusion I’d like to say that Meghan Markle is beautiful and I have a really big crush on her. Thank you and goodnight.
149 more days until 2019!