Review: Crazy Rich, Funny, Hot, Cool Asians

I just saw a movie so you know what that means?  It’s review time!  Cue Obnoxious Horn Sound.

I would be the most obnoxious vlogger, like, ever.  Literally every transition would be that sound.  If I had a mouse for my lap top I would totally highlight every period in this post and make it a link to that horn sound.  The insanity of it is that I know nobody would click all of them and I would just be doing it for the Andy Kaufman effect.

For all of you long time listeners you’re well aware that my reviews aren’t much reviews but me just like- doing this.  So for you new people (ten long minutes of laughing at the idea of new people coming and reading this garbage) I am sorry that you found your way here and are being held hostage and forced to read this, also, welcome to my review of the movie Crazy, Rich Asians!

Please click the “Read More” jump button to like…you know…read more beyond the jump.

This movie was long pause good.

Seriously though, I loved it.  I was a bit iffy at the beginning because I don’t know, it felt like it might run into Halmark movie territory.  It didn’t but I was afraid of it as it got its footing.  Although the opening scene was pretty bad-ass.  The Asian lady pulling a Pretty Woman on the dick-ish British hotel staff.

I’m glad they didn’t spend too much time screwing around in New York and just got them on the damn plane to Singapore.

Side Note:  THAT IS WHAT FIRST CLASS IS LIKE?!  (side, side note: I couldn’t find a pic of the first class scene from the movie so I used that gif that I found instead because it was  hilarious) HOLY SHIT MAN!  Do they like…have a secret compartment that folds out once all the scum in economy are sent through because I ain’t never seen a first class that looked like that!

And give it up for Singapore!  That city/state/republic/whatever it is (it’s uh…complicated) looks pretty damn awesome in the movie.  By that alone its a 2 hour travel destination commercial.  I’ve seen some of the things before and was very impressed by how beautiful it looks.  I’m sold, I totally want to go to Singapore now.  The food scene towards the beginning alone had me buying tickets.

Movie = good
Singapore = good
What next?  Have we reached the part in the review for the list?
OF COURSE WE HAVE!

As usual I don’t do reviews.  I’m not good at them and I just don’t think there is any point in me writing a traditional review because I suck at it.  So instead I’m going to write a list of all of the cool things I loved from the movie!

  • Constance Wu – She is amazing.  I hope that link works.  It copied weird.  Anyways, I’ve had a crush on her ever since I started watching Fresh Off The Boat when it first started airing.  She’s a great actress and I love her and would watch her in anything.
  • All Asian Cast – I love seeing diversity in movies.  I love hearing the reactions from people who are desperately under represented in popular culture and how much it meant to see people like them on screen.
    • Side Note: It was even more interesting that there was, as I remember, literally no important part in the movie for a white actor.  I think the only speaking part for a white actor was the poker dude in the beginning.  There are countless movies where the entire cast, extras, everyone are all white.  Its nice to see a movie that is focused on another culture in society and letting them own the entire spotlight.
  • Henry Golding – Super hot Asian man and Constance Wu’s co-star of the movie.  In that picture he makes me think of…shoot…that guy that sings.  What’s his face.  Your body is a Wonderland.  Damnit!  John something?  Mayer!  John Mayer!  He also seemed, to me, to have a bit of an Australian accent in his British accent.  His Wiki thing says he’s British-Malaysian so maybe that’s what it was?  I dunno but like another good one.
    • Shout out to his best friend too, Colin, in the movie Chris Pang.  I think the casting call read “are you attractive and Asian?  Then please come be in this movie.”
  • Awkwafina – Didn’t know who she was before but I kept hearing things about her and she lived up to it.  She’s going to get her own movie, I would be willing to bet on it (no I will not bet you on it).
  • Mahjong – Representin!  I have no idea how this game works but I LOVE THOSE LITTLE SQUARE THINGS!  When I was little I used to play with a couple of kids down a few houses.  Well they were Filipino and their parents and grandparents all lived in the same house.  They would ALWAYS be playing Mahjong.  The sound of those little cube/square things chattering all together as they sorted them out was such a common sound.
    • Also they were amazing for playing GI Joes!  They were basically like legos!  You could build bases and cover for your Joes and everything!  Then you could blow them up too and they would make cool sounds!
      • Side Side Note for Lumpia because my friends parents would always make it for us around the holidays as a nice gift and omg SO FREAKIN GOOD!  I haven’t had it in years and years but damn it was delish.
  • Having a good story – There were a couple of times I was wondering where the story was going.  It felt like it was just going to be this feel good story where nothing bad happens and everyone gets what they want, but it was just building to something and I was impatient.  It wasn’t a groundbreaking story and it wasn’t Oscar worthy but it was entertaining and well told.
  • The Wedding Scene – I’m…gonna need a minute here.  I’m not going to spoil any of it because I think the entire scene was perfect because it was unexpected.  But I’m not kidding in saying that it was perfect.  The slow, sweet words of the song that was played.  The unraveling of the walk down the aisle by the bride.  The cuts from Nick to Rachel and then on Colin as he watched his bride.  It was excruciatingly touching and beautiful.  It was gorgeously filmed.  It was the best wedding scene I’ve ever watched and I got a little teary.
    • I needed a special acknowledgement for the pause of silence that happened right in the middle of the song.  It was impeccably done.  I think I held my breath during it.  It was stunning.  Since the Oscars are being idiots and creating dumb categories why not create one for “best scene” because this scene deserves a damn oscar.

 

So, to recap, good movie is good and I recommend everyone stop what they are doing and go see this movie right now.  Not tomorrow.  Now.  I don’t want to hear any stupid excuses about how its late and all the theaters are closed or how you have to work or you won’t have any money because you’ll be fired.  Go see the movie now.

I give it six smirking dinosaurs out of 8.  It was a good movie that I enjoyed and that’s all I ask for when spending a hundred and ninety dollars (give or take) to go to the movies in Nova Scotia.

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