Unfunny: I R Dumb

Let’s think of the opposites/not sameses of popular sayings/descriptions.  In other words, don’t read this its really stupid.


First we have:

“You’ve got hips that won’t quit,” but what about-

“You’ve got hips that have held three different jobs in the last two years.”

Next there’s the common:

“I love the way you look at me with your piercing eyes,” is always nice to hear but then there’s-

“I love the way you look at me with your flat ended eyes.”

I’m sure you’ve heard:

“You’ve got legs that go all the way up,” which is kind silly in its own right, but we can do better-

“You’ve got legs that go part way up then get stuck and kind of slope back down at an angle.”

Guy’s often are told to aspire to this one:

“I’ve always loved the feeling of his washboard abs,” which if you kind of think is a little outdated, so-

“I’ve always loved the feeling of his washing machine agitator like abs.”

It’s not always just physical attributes:

“They are smart as a whip,” always makes me want to say whupah but what about-

“They are smart as a whisk.”

This doesn’t just apply to people related things:

“A picture is worth a thousand words,” is such an annoying saying to me personally-

“A picture is worth a thousand other pictures if you put them together and make a flip book.”

There are some weird ones:

“You’ve got a beautiful head of hair,” seemed like a strange point to emphasis on the head because I never thought of saying something like-

“You’ve got a beautiful armpit of hair.”

Back to physical attributes though:

“I love your beautiful, full lips,” sounds like a strange compliment considering the alternative would be-

“I love your beautiful, empty lips.”

I’ve always thought this one was a little off:

“I loved their voice, it was like velvet,” makes me furrow my brow thinking of an alternative like-

“I love their voice, it was like polyvinyl chloride.”

Another good fabric one is:

“They had soft and silky skin,” would kind of be weird wouldn’t it?  Not as much as-

“They had hard and polyester skin.”


Then I thought it’d be fun to just ramble off a few alternatives to descriptions as follows:

Her hair was black as night, or-

  • black as licorice
  • black as a frostbitten limb
  • black as a really old banana that’s been in the fridge for a while
  • black as it is when I close my eyes

His eyes were a beautiful chestnut brown, or-

  • a beautiful stick colored brown
  • a beautiful dirt brown
  • a beautiful murky water brown
  • a beautiful old, dead leaf brown

Her hair was a deep, blood red, or-

  • a deep, lasagna red
  • a deep, elmo red
  • a deep, Nacho Dorito red
  • a deep, tylenol bottle cap red


Thank you for making it this far.  You are all better writers now.  Go forth and go write using all of the lessons you’ve learned here today.


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