Unfunny: The Ill Effects Of Tanning On Aliens

Hi, I’m Troy McClure and I’m here to talk to you about the ill effects of tanning on aliens in the sense of humanoids in the Earth realm.  You might remember me from such education videos as Don’t Put That In There, It’ll Hurt and Wipe Twice Just In Case.

As you can see I am gold.  It’s more of a shimmery yellow when you’re up close but on video it appears as if I was touched by Midas himself.  Oh boy, it cannot be further from the truth.  This is a case of Alien-Skin Distortion!

Alien-Skin Distortion is the process from the Earth’s young sun on aliens that are used to a much older and strengthened sun.  It alters the color, and sometimes texture, of an alien from a Red Giant or pretty much anything other than an average star.  So, tip number one travelers: find out what kind of star you’re traveling towards.

So, I’m gold as you can see.  That isn’t the only possible color other aliens could be turned.  Depending on a number of different variables the color range of your skin could change to a purple, a red, an orange or even a faded out speckled look.  Of course if you are already any of these colors then of course it wouldn’t apply to you.

One might ask, “Troy, if you’re an alien and not the color of a regular human while traveling to Earth then why would it matter?”

Ha!  Good question, Billy.

This would matter because you may have to coordinate your entire wardrobe depending on what color you’re going to be changing.  Also, it isn’t as simple as changing your color back once you go home.  There is a long process of readjusting to your own sun’s rays, but that is a topic for another video you’ll receive on the trip home.

Traveling to Earth from another planet is a bit of a trek.  It’s on the outskirts of the universe and more of a rural and rustic vacation for those who like something different.  The inhabitants of Earth aren’t known for their easy-going attitudes and acceptance so an alien is expected to look and act the part upon meeting any native Earthlings.  You must match clothing from head to toe as the same color.  You’re considered an even higher form of life if you can match your clothing to your skin color, like me!

One of the precautions you can take if you are from a Red Giant solar system is to make sure you have plenty of Super Sun Screen.  Lather yourself up in it.  It wouldn’t hurt to pay a little extra and transport yourself across the universe in a dipping pod where the super sun screen and soak into your skin.  It’s proven to have 23% more effectiveness than merely applying by hand, foot, tentacle.

Another way to prevent skin distortion is to wear a helmet and gloves at all times.  This is not ideal as part of the reason most people travel to Earth is due to its welcoming climate.  You can’t enjoy your trip if you’re hiding behind a bee helmet and stinger gloves the entire time.  A secondary negative option is that you may scare the locals.  Nothing frightens rednecks like a giant bee person from outer space.

You can also try to find something to do on Earth that involves staying in-doors.  Don’t travel out on day trips into the wilderness.  The constant sun ray exposure will aid in your skin distortion as well as the outdoors is rife with primitive animals that don’t respond to alien speech or hand gestures.  Vacationing without one of your arms would really be considered roughing it, wouldn’t it Billy?  Hahaha.

I hope this video was informative for you.  Please heed the content within it and if you have any comments you can write them on the contact cards and we will address them on your re-board for the trip home.  Enjoy your trip to Earth and try to have a good time.  Also, if you’re traveling in the Earth calendar month of February its quite cold.  You may want to think twice about any water submersion activities.

Thank You and Enjoy,

Troy McClure and Space-Aides

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