Cooking With A Moron

So I’m dumb, hi, how are you?


I enjoy spicy food.  Sometimes it doesn’t enjoy me.  But, aside from that, I wanted to make my own spicy slather to put on edible type foodstuffs.  I like things to have a kick to them.  I looked up how to make a spicy sauce and using fresh ingredients seemed to come back as the number one thing so I figured I’d give it a shot.

Up until this point I had simply been using some pre-made gelatin type substance and thrown some spices on it and voila, mediocre blandness.  I wanted something good though so I decided to go Martha Stewart on some asses.

I bought a Habanero pepper (cue doom music).

I actually bought three habanero peppers because they were only 30 cents a piece.  I chopped it up into tiny little pieces and mixed it in with some sour cream and mayo.  Squirted in some lemon juice and a bit of garlic salt and cayenne pepper because why not, right?

Let me tell you – IT.SMELLED.DELICIOUS.

I was excited.  So excited.  I put it in the fridge and was anticipating breakfast tomorrow like more than anything.  I went to go sit down on the couch and beam in my excitement glow.  Then I rubbed my eye.

Back to the start:  I’m dumb, hi, how are you?

So…when cutting up a habanero pepper not once did it occur to me that some of these spicy hot juices would make their way onto my fingertips.  PARRISH THE THOUGHT!  When my eye was a little itchy I did what I always did, rubbed it with the tip of my finger.  Although, after cutting up the habanero pepper I was so excited about its delicious aroma that I forgot to wash my hands.



Have you ever gone to Universal Stuidos in the late 90s when they had the Backdraft Experience “ride”?  Where you go into a studio and they basically burn the shit out of a set and the fire is melting your face off?  Well, it was like that only the only melting was concentrated in my eye.  There was an inferno going on and my eyeball was sitting in its juices.

So, naturally, I decided to clean the infernal juices off of my eye.  WITH MY FINGERTIP AGAIN LIKE A FUCKING MORON!  It started to burn more intensely.  It hurt.  A lot.

I went in and washed my hands with soap and water, with my eyes closed because ow.  I cleaned them off and went to rub my eye again.  STILL BURNING!

I believe the juices soaked in pretty damn deep.  So deep that hours later, after the burning had subsided and I had forgotten about the ordeal I rubbed my eye again and it flared up once more.  Not nearly as bad but I still needed a tissue to unwater my eye.  For the time being, however, I needed something a bit more intense.

Thankfully, at this point, my brain decided to join in and said something along the lines of, “hey, idiot.  Why don’t you stop rubbing it with what’s obviously making it worse and wet a facecloth, huh?”

So I did that.  I rubbed and wiped and the burning cooled.  It went away shortly after.  My eyeball was going to survive.  Maybe this was going to be my super power, rubbing habanero pepper juice into peoples eyes.  I’m guessing that is what being pepper sprayed feels like?  Now I know at least.

The habanero pepper sauce I made though…SO GOOD.  Hot and delicious and omg yum.  It was worth it.  Burning eyeballs and all.  Lesson?  Always wash your hands.

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