It’s Wednesday today (yes it is, shut up) and I thought I would get a few items off my chest in regard to men’s bathroom etiquette. Namely: STOP DOING THESE THINGS OMG!!!
First and foremost is the item mentioned in the picture above. It is only acceptable to stand next to another man in a urinal if it is an emergency and your pants are in jeopardy of becoming pee’d on. Otherwise you wait. If there is a line then you are free to take any urinal at your disposal. If there is no line then you wait until a urinal is free with an empty space on either side.
Side note: Recent urinal technology has made the very necessary barriers between the urinals that I like to call “elbow guards” because they prevent strangers errant elbows from touching you while you pee. More places need to have these, and not the half ones. Tall people easily stretch above them. Make them chin length for the average man please.
Whenever you’re entering a men’s bathroom you are entering a sacred place. Not sacred in the sense that it is a holy location but sacred because there are a few things you do not do.
- Never speak to another person in the men’s bathroom. Conversations are forbidden.
- Saying someone’s name is a horrifying breach of conduct.
- Speaking from inside a stall should be penalized by death.
- There is to be absolutely no physical contact. This includes patting on the back, shaking hands, fist bumps or hair tussles.
- Always turn the lights on. Do not stand inside a men’s bathroom doing your business with the lights off. Nobody benefits from this.
- The person coming into the bathroom is startled that someone is in there. They turn on the lights thinking, “oh good, I can get in and out quickly,” but no. You’re in there. With the lights off for some reason like a fucking creep.
- You are startled when the door opens and the lights turn on. You have to quickly finish whether you were done or not and hope they don’t ask why the lights were off. Why were they off, Gary? Why were they off?!
- Clean up the water on the sink. What the hell is wrong with you? If you drip water all over the sink wipe it the hell up, dumb ass.
- Don’t stand in the doorway carrying on a conversation you were having outside the men’s bathroom. Once you touch the door handle, or even are within a step of the door handle, your conversation is over.
- Upon exiting the men’s bathroom please do not engaging in any discussion, humorous or not, about the happenings which occurred in there. It is a private matter between you and the porcelain.
These are things that have been on my mind for a while now. I experience at least one of them every week at work. They bother me. Please stop doing them. I will cut you.
PS: If any women would like to add/post their own woman’s bathroom etiquette I’m sure some men would be fascinated to find out what kind of gross beings you ladies are as well. From first hand accounts being told to me by my wife I have heard women can be even grosser than men. How DO you end up getting the seat wet in a woman’s bathroom?
Feel free to add!