Unfunny: Fake Thanksgiving

Alright Canada, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.  (I lazily tried to find a gif from Army Of Darkness where the skeleton dude says that line but I couldn’t find it.  Thanks for nothing internet.)

For nearly 16 years I’ve lived here I’ve had this bubbling up inside of me.  I’ve spewed my beliefs to others many times over the years.  I’ve received the same tepid reaction from them each time.  Now I turn myself to the internet for that same tepid reaction of, approximately, 8 views and 3 likes.  Happy Fake Thanksgiving, Canada.

Today is the official holiday of Canadian Thanksgiving, or as I like to call it: Fake Thanksgiving.

It is fake because it isn’t the real Thanksgiving.  That is at the end of November.
(Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like Real Thanksgiving either.  Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday.  I hate practically all of the food served.  The turkey is always dried out beyond belief.  Potatoes are gross.  Yams are gross.  I don’t even wanna start talking about that nasty purple guck people serve.  I typically take a roll, throw some turkey in it and a little butter and make a sandwich then scarf on some stuffing.  Although I would participate in a Thanksgiving once to try it if it resembled the one in the picture above.)
And don’t go all “hahaha, you’re saying Canadian Thanksgiving is fake news.”  No.  I’m not.  Shut up.  I hate that term.  I hate that “fake news” has become a thing people say regularly in society today.  It sounds like a dumb persons way of saying “you’re lying.”  They’re too stupid to realize its the same thing and has to say something catchy.  You sound stupid when you say it.  Don’t.

Growing up in the US I’m used to Thanksgiving being after Halloween.  It’s weird to have Halloween decorations and Thanksgiving/Fall stuff up at the same time.  The proper decoration cycle is Winter – Easter- Spring – 4th of July – Summer- Fall – Halloween – Christmas – Winter.  Stop deviating from the norm, Canada!

Also, sticking Thanksgiving way at the beginning of October messes with a number of other things.  Here is a list of them:

• Way too much time for people to talk about Christmas.  At least with Thanksgiving as a reasonable buffer you don’t get fully Christmas-ized until the last few days of November.  In Canada you’ve got Santa fighting with Frankenstein for shelf space.
• There should always be a possibility of snow on Thanksgiving.  I grew up in California and there was never a possibility of snow ever but movies and TV have told me there should be a chance of snow at Thanksgiving.
• Home for the Holidays loses all its meaning when you have a two month break between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
  • Also, conversely, its easier to not go to one.  You can just say, “sorry, I can’t miss that much time.  I’m going to have to skip Thanksgiving this year,” and it’s reasonable.  When you’ve got a two month break in between you don’t really have an excuse.
• The Turkey Purge should be a global thing.  All turkey’s should fear the end of November like some massive ritual so one day, when the turkey’s rise up it will be their independence day.
• They stole Columbus day!  Although, yeah, you’re right.  Columbus was a murdering jack-off so he shouldn’t get his own day.  Why does he have a day anyways?  I mean yeah he “founded” North America but technically the dickhead got lost.  That isn’t something we should be celebrating.
• It makes the annoying Black Friday sales even dumber.  Black Friday is supposed to be the day after Thanksgiving.  Canada retailers want to get in on the nonsense so they also have their own sales but without the holiday before.
  • Black Friday is dumb.  Anyone who participates in it is enabling dumb.  Stop it.  Make it go away.
• Summer JUST ended about a week and a half ago.  You can’t jump into the middle of Fall celebration stuff that quickly.  Cut it out.  Give us some mourning time.
• It makes Thanksgiving Football Thursday really weird here.  It’s like daytime football in the middle of the week for no reason.
• They won’t give me both holidays off for being a dual citizen and I’m at work right now.

The next time you see a Canadian on the second Monday in October, be sure to tell them that they are wrong and they need to conform to North American norms.  That being…the US is doing a lot of shitty stuff lately so maybe I’ll be cool with Fake Thanksgiving four a couple of more years at least.