I was thinking on the drive in to work tonight. It wasn’t any kind of epiphany or anything as I had pretty much determined the general theme of my lack of focus but I think I narrowed it down to where I can explain it to myself with a little more clarity:
When writing I need time to wander around the page.
What I think this means is that I can’t have something looming in the distance. It stamps down on my creative process because my mind really is a Jackson Pollock painting. I don’t often try and keep it boxed into an idea. Often I’ll just open the hatch and let it run off into the wilderness while it picks up words in the brambles. Thankfully the words often line up properly.
So when I’ve got a deadline in the near future I feel like the door won’t open. The latch is stuck. The paint can has rusted shut and someone locked up the brushes.
My best writing day, Sunday, I am able to take my time. I saunter across the page, often blank, and check the corners. I’ll stretch out and spin and yell to hear my echo. I’ll leave the page blank and wander off, knowing its there and that I have plenty of time to come back to it. Then I’ll find something, see something and my eyes will widen. I’ll smile and I go running back to the blank page and begin to throw the ropes of paint on the canvas.
It usually builds from there. I’ll spend hours pumping out words and thoughts sometimes. Three or four hours will go by and I’ll look at the clock and not exactly wonder where the time went but be surprised it sneaked off so easily without me noticing. It doesn’t fly as much as it closes the door without me noticing to leave me to myself.
When a deadline, even if its an hour or so away, I can’t stroll. I can’t stretch. I feel like I have to get the words out now because what happens if, in an hour, I’ve finally hit my stride and I have to stop. All of that wasted creativity and surge of words would be crushing. So, instead, I waste my time and complain about later like I’m doing now.
This is how it is. Maybe saying it out loud will give me a little something.
I did jack shit today. Slightly more yesterday. I’m hovering around 8000 words. I should be at nearly 12000 by the end of today. I’m falling behind. God damnit Rose, there is enough room for both of us on that freaking door!