What If I Suck?

Insecurity is an odd feeling to have, especially when it’s not prevalent in anything else I do.  This feeling of inadequacy.  To think I’m a fraud even before I could get to the point of being a fraud.  To think what if I’m no good at something I seem to love to do.

The hesitation is crippling.  The doubt clouds over everything.  It distracts my mind and pulls it away with little voices in the back telling me to delay and get distracted.  If I don’t finish then I’ll never find out.  If it’s never completed I can just think of what could have been rather than I couldn’t.

What if I suck?
What if I suck?
What if I suck?
What if I suck?

What happens if I put all of my effort into something and it’s terrible?  What if I put everything I have into something and it’s mediocre?  What if I’m completely indistinguishable from hundreds of thousands of other people wanting and doing the same thing?  What if I suck?

I was watching a clip of The Larry Sanders Show recently and it was a short clip of Jeffrey Tambor’s character before the show cowering against a coat rack as someone tried to ease his fears.  He repeated the same phrase over and over again.

“What if I suck?  What if I suck?  What if I suck?”

Rip Torn’s character tried to help him get through it with words of encouragement.  Those words are always appreciated.  They aren’t disregarded at all but that fear is relentless.  It’s like a wave that constantly beats you into the sand.  What if I suck?  What if I suck?

The way he looked as he clung to the coat rack, his facial expression and his body language, hit me hard.  The tone of his voice and the way he repeated it over and over again.  What if I suck?  What if I suck?

It was everything inside of me.  It was my entire mental state.  My entire life.  It was me.  What if I suck?  What if this dream I have isn’t realized because I’m not good enough?  What if I put myself out there and it’s rejected?  What if I’m just another face in the crowd, completely indistinguishable from so many others?  What if I suck and every second I spent on this was wasted?  What if I suck and I have nothing to look forward to?  What if I suck and finally see there’s no way out?  What if I suck and this it?

I’m kind of neurotic.  I have a general laid-back personality but it’s because most things don’t matter to me.  When it comes to the things that do?  I want them to be perfect.  I want them to soar.  I want them to be amazing and I’m paranoid and self conscious about them.  I think false praise is everywhere, which I hate.  I don’t know if anything I do is that great and whenever I think it is I bring myself back to reality to shield from being hit with criticism.

This isn’t going to end with a lesson.  This doesn’t have a rosy outlook to finish it off.  There’s no uplifting words at the end.  It’s just me ranting about the thing that runs through my head every single day.   The thought that keeps me from doing anything because if I do anything all I ever think is, “what if I suck?”

8 thoughts on “What If I Suck?

  1. Hah. We all suck. Speaking the truth though, we all have those fears. I assume you are insecure about the blogging. Don’t be. We all put ourselves out there & hope that people will appreciate us for who we are. Rambling makes the world go round, no? I have a theory that this is precisely why blogs are so popular. No marketing team behind it to build an ideal brand. Just real people with real thoughts and actual lives (or at least for the most part). So you’re doing just great! Keep up the good work 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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