I could use…

A girls that crawls in bed next to me, says “aw baby that sucks,” after a bad day, then kisses me on the cheek while pulling the blanket over our heads to do things that would make the neighbours blush.

Drowning in love for her

He loved her. It was obvious to everyone that he did, but nobody knew how much. The waters were rough on top but the depths steadied his love. He loved her right down to the ocean floor along the untouched sands. Past the wrecked ships and sea life he loved her through every wave that crashed on shore. And just like those waves his love never stopped. It may have lessened in force or ferocity, but there was always a storm brewing nearby that would rage the intensity for her again.

I can’t let go and I’m not sure that I want to

The problem is that when we first got involved my heart reached out and became intertwined with yours. It turned its beats to sync with yours. It’s blood pumped the same as yours. It wanted to be everything you needed to be happy.

But as we grew apart, each time, it refused to go back to what it was before. It was still yours.

And so, my heart is still attached. All of the others that grabbed hold in the past, they all let go. Mine won’t. It refuses, holding on for everything new its become as if it can’t live without holding onto a part of you.

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I still think about you.

On random days of what could’ve been.

And restless nights of what sort of was.

I’m still here thinking about you.

Always

You make the words run through my heart. They flow through my blood. I’m lighter. I must be dying. It was supposed to be painful.

How can you cause me to feel so much? Another person shouldn’t have this much control over my inner workings. To know which way the switches flip. To know which buttons do what without access to the manual.

You will always control me.

And I will always love it.

4am girl

Did you ever have that 4am someone? That person who was just yours? They felt like four in the morning when nobody else in the world was awake and the entirety of civilization belonged to the two of you.

I did once. She was magnificent.

We spent the days trading stares and notes. They weren’t love notes though, they were lust notes. A message of what I wanted to do to her and a reply with how her body would react. We were chemistry.

All responsibilities were eschewed. Our employers paid us to talk about how we would have fucked if we were in the same room. There’s no way we could have stayed employed if we had access to each other’s bodies though. I would have made her scream and she would have pulled beautiful obscenities from my lips, at least when they weren’t glued to her.

At night we pulled away from the world and lounged in purgatory. She would straddle my lap and pin me happily beneath her as her arms were lazily draped over my shoulders. The living were acknowledged, but we pushed past them to get lost in the abyss together. The clocks never worked right. Everything felt like that magical point of time where it all stopped and there was no sound aside from our lips smacking against each other.

Her tongue weakened me. My strength waned in her presence. She pulled the life from me and all I wanted was for it to never stop. I wanted to die at her touch.

We never made it to 4am, but whenever we were together she silenced the streets and quieted the crowds as if it were.

Hollow

Everything hurts in such a dull ache that I can’t even tell if I’m feeling it again, or it never stopped.

My heart hurts when I think about it. We had a momentary reprieve, and we were happy. The happiness didn’t last long though. Reality smiled and flicked away the joy.

I never let myself feel it fully. I know it’s kept at bay, the hurt. I’m sure it’s a self defence mechanism, because if it ever got out I would be ruined. I don’t think I would ever stop crying. I don’t think I would ever recover.

So now I’m in this purgatory. Floating through life with no feelings. I want to love someone else but I can’t. I hate you for that. I hate you for so many things, but most of all I hate you for making me fall in love with you to begin with then leaving me as broken as you are.

And I hate you because I still love you. It won’t stop. I’ve tried. So now I just hate myself and sit alone at night in this dull ache unable to feel anything while miserably longing for someone who will never be there.

Short and Sweet

Dear everyone,

Fuck you.

Sincerely,

My trashed on heart

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And that’s the way I love you

Like a squiggly line

It’s not straight

It’s not normal

But it’s beautiful in its chaos