It’s been a while since I wrote something completely dumb and stupid so I figured why not review a movie just saw this weekend. That’ll be all kinds of dumb and stupid.
So yeah, please follow the READ MORE tag to READ MORE (see: list) about GODZILLA: KING OF LOUD THINGS!
When this is posted and whenever you’re reading it, whoever you are, I am immersed in an experience that will light the visions of our dawn for years in the future. I will have seen the light and the dark and which will prevail, whatever it takes.
The small and the large.
The new and the old.
They will come together and be as one.
For now, as you read this or having read it or in past future tense, I have seen justice and the future. Right now? Right now. Right-now.
It will have begun, The Endgame.
OMG I’M SEEING AVENGERS: ENDGAME RIGHT NOW AND I’M SO JUICED!
Sorry, I’m an idiot. I know. I’m earning my bl..b…blo….thing title. Not even a little bit funny.
But, anyways, I’m seeing Endgame right now. I’m writing this in the past to have it post in the future so you can all read it (because I know each and every one of you is reading this and not just clicking “like” right? RIGHT?!) while I’m enjoying the movie.
So, because this is a big deal (for me because I’m a dork) I am going to now make a list (!!!) of all the love, hate, beginnings, endings, babies, vinyl CDs, theme parks and Mountain Dew flavors this movie is going to accomplish, solve and start.
TO THE LISTMOBILE!
“Excuse me? This isn’t the kind of love I ordered. I distinctly asked for something with less spittle.”
“I’m sorry, I’m going to have to steal that. I hope you don’t mind.”
“I’m dying. No, please. Don’t make a fuss. It’s coming and I can’t do a thing about it. I just hope my hair doesn’t wilt before the funeral. Anyways. Tell them all I loved them. No, don’t say that. A few of them were the most unsavory types. How about this? She loved who she loved. The rest can find the nearest trolley and throw themselves beneath it. Just be kind enough to not do it in the early morning or evening commute. No use causing a commotion even in death.”
“Hello. You don’t know me but I’m in love with you. Thank you for letting me tell you that. Have a wonderful life.”
“I really don’t know what the big deal about having money is. So you can buy whatever you want and most of your worries will go away, big deal. I can find new worries so easily to replace the old ones. They’ll be wonderfully frightful worries ten times as worse.”
“If you’re going to kiss me then kiss me already. If not then stop staring at me like you’re going to because I really have to use the bathroom and I don’t know how much longer I can hold it.”
“When you’re dead can you please turn off the lights on the way out? Some of us still have to pay the power bill.”
“I love the way you let me stare at you. I know you notice and I’m glad you don’t ask me to stop.”
“Lets all go to the zoo and try to guess which is the next trainer that is going to be on the news because they were mauled.”
“If a writer dies and goes to hell they’re eternal damnation is spent doing the same thing they did when they were alive; trying to finish writing a novel but eventually scraping it and starting over.”
“I think it’s time.”
“I want to say something.”
“What?”
“Something I shouldn’t.”
“Then don’t.”
“But I want to.”
“Oh my god. Do it or don’t. Stop fucking around.”
“I -,” the three little dots sat on her side of the phone for a long time.
“Spit it out!”
“I have to pee.”
“You’re so god damn annoying.”
“I know.”
Alright Canada, I’ve got a bone to pick with you. (I lazily tried to find a gif from Army Of Darkness where the skeleton dude says that line but I couldn’t find it. Thanks for nothing internet.)
For nearly 16 years I’ve lived here I’ve had this bubbling up inside of me. I’ve spewed my beliefs to others many times over the years. I’ve received the same tepid reaction from them each time. Now I turn myself to the internet for that same tepid reaction of, approximately, 8 views and 3 likes. Happy Fake Thanksgiving, Canada.
Today is the official holiday of Canadian Thanksgiving, or as I like to call it: Fake Thanksgiving.
It is fake because it isn’t the real Thanksgiving. That is at the end of November.
(Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like Real Thanksgiving either. Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday. I hate practically all of the food served. The turkey is always dried out beyond belief. Potatoes are gross. Yams are gross. I don’t even wanna start talking about that nasty purple guck people serve. I typically take a roll, throw some turkey in it and a little butter and make a sandwich then scarf on some stuffing. Although I would participate in a Thanksgiving once to try it if it resembled the one in the picture above.)
And don’t go all “hahaha, you’re saying Canadian Thanksgiving is fake news.” No. I’m not. Shut up. I hate that term. I hate that “fake news” has become a thing people say regularly in society today. It sounds like a dumb persons way of saying “you’re lying.” They’re too stupid to realize its the same thing and has to say something catchy. You sound stupid when you say it. Don’t.
Growing up in the US I’m used to Thanksgiving being after Halloween. It’s weird to have Halloween decorations and Thanksgiving/Fall stuff up at the same time. The proper decoration cycle is Winter – Easter- Spring – 4th of July – Summer- Fall – Halloween – Christmas – Winter. Stop deviating from the norm, Canada!
Also, sticking Thanksgiving way at the beginning of October messes with a number of other things. Here is a list of them:
The next time you see a Canadian on the second Monday in October, be sure to tell them that they are wrong and they need to conform to North American norms. That being…the US is doing a lot of shitty stuff lately so maybe I’ll be cool with Fake Thanksgiving four a couple of more years at least.
I like going to the movies!
So what better way to reminisce going to the movies than by writing about your movie going experience! Huzzah! That’s enough exclamation points! One more! YES!
So I wasn’t sure about this movie for a while now. Usually whenever you read rumblings of it having trouble you kind of shouldn’t expect much. Not that it had production issues just the trailer was very underwhelming. It didn’t turn out to be an R-rated movie which the character was pretty much designed. And, I dunno, I just don’t trust Sony to be able to pull off doing a Marvel movie on their own.
So, without…oh…screw you. Here’s my review of…Venom.
It’s Wednesday today (yes it is, shut up) and I thought I would get a few items off my chest in regard to men’s bathroom etiquette. Namely: STOP DOING THESE THINGS OMG!!!
First and foremost is the item mentioned in the picture above. It is only acceptable to stand next to another man in a urinal if it is an emergency and your pants are in jeopardy of becoming pee’d on. Otherwise you wait. If there is a line then you are free to take any urinal at your disposal. If there is no line then you wait until a urinal is free with an empty space on either side.
Side note: Recent urinal technology has made the very necessary barriers between the urinals that I like to call “elbow guards” because they prevent strangers errant elbows from touching you while you pee. More places need to have these, and not the half ones. Tall people easily stretch above them. Make them chin length for the average man please.
Whenever you’re entering a men’s bathroom you are entering a sacred place. Not sacred in the sense that it is a holy location but sacred because there are a few things you do not do.
These are things that have been on my mind for a while now. I experience at least one of them every week at work. They bother me. Please stop doing them. I will cut you.
PS: If any women would like to add/post their own woman’s bathroom etiquette I’m sure some men would be fascinated to find out what kind of gross beings you ladies are as well. From first hand accounts being told to me by my wife I have heard women can be even grosser than men. How DO you end up getting the seat wet in a woman’s bathroom?
Feel free to add!
I SAW A MOVIE! You know what that means?
That’s right! A post nobody will read! WOO HOO!
Not that I expect anyone to read my ramblings. I just like taking jabs at myself because self deprecation is sexy.
So I went to go see a movie on Saturday night and I know its a few weeks after it first came out and like NOBODY is really interested in a review about it now but that’s like…totally the time I would write something about it then!
So, without further adieu (except, you know, all the adieu that is to follow before the actual content is there) I bring to you my review of….
(Follow the “read more” tag because I don’t know, some people aren’t that bright (me) and don’t always click the read more tags (me) to continue reading (me).
So I’m dumb, hi, how are you?
Background:
I enjoy spicy food. Sometimes it doesn’t enjoy me. But, aside from that, I wanted to make my own spicy slather to put on edible type foodstuffs. I like things to have a kick to them. I looked up how to make a spicy sauce and using fresh ingredients seemed to come back as the number one thing so I figured I’d give it a shot.
Up until this point I had simply been using some pre-made gelatin type substance and thrown some spices on it and voila, mediocre blandness. I wanted something good though so I decided to go Martha Stewart on some asses.
I bought a Habanero pepper (cue doom music).
I actually bought three habanero peppers because they were only 30 cents a piece. I chopped it up into tiny little pieces and mixed it in with some sour cream and mayo. Squirted in some lemon juice and a bit of garlic salt and cayenne pepper because why not, right?
Let me tell you – IT.SMELLED.DELICIOUS.
I was excited. So excited. I put it in the fridge and was anticipating breakfast tomorrow like more than anything. I went to go sit down on the couch and beam in my excitement glow. Then I rubbed my eye.
Back to the start: I’m dumb, hi, how are you?
So…when cutting up a habanero pepper not once did it occur to me that some of these spicy hot juices would make their way onto my fingertips. PARRISH THE THOUGHT! When my eye was a little itchy I did what I always did, rubbed it with the tip of my finger. Although, after cutting up the habanero pepper I was so excited about its delicious aroma that I forgot to wash my hands.
CUE THE BURNING!
O-M-F-G
Have you ever gone to Universal Stuidos in the late 90s when they had the Backdraft Experience “ride”? Where you go into a studio and they basically burn the shit out of a set and the fire is melting your face off? Well, it was like that only the only melting was concentrated in my eye. There was an inferno going on and my eyeball was sitting in its juices.
So, naturally, I decided to clean the infernal juices off of my eye. WITH MY FINGERTIP AGAIN LIKE A FUCKING MORON! It started to burn more intensely. It hurt. A lot.
I went in and washed my hands with soap and water, with my eyes closed because ow. I cleaned them off and went to rub my eye again. STILL BURNING!
I believe the juices soaked in pretty damn deep. So deep that hours later, after the burning had subsided and I had forgotten about the ordeal I rubbed my eye again and it flared up once more. Not nearly as bad but I still needed a tissue to unwater my eye. For the time being, however, I needed something a bit more intense.
Thankfully, at this point, my brain decided to join in and said something along the lines of, “hey, idiot. Why don’t you stop rubbing it with what’s obviously making it worse and wet a facecloth, huh?”
So I did that. I rubbed and wiped and the burning cooled. It went away shortly after. My eyeball was going to survive. Maybe this was going to be my super power, rubbing habanero pepper juice into peoples eyes. I’m guessing that is what being pepper sprayed feels like? Now I know at least.
The habanero pepper sauce I made though…SO GOOD. Hot and delicious and omg yum. It was worth it. Burning eyeballs and all. Lesson? Always wash your hands.
A Hopeless Romantic, Stirred 