I’m in bed with you.

Again. Because we always end up in bed.

It doesn’t matter if we argue or feign indifference, we always find our way out of our clothes and against each other’s skin.

I’m going to drift off to sleep in a few minutes but I wanted to capture this moment. You’re asleep, freshly fucked until my legs burned with quit but I refused. I never tap out first.

I wanted to save this moment in my mind at how beautiful you are and what I would give to be lying next to you, just like this in 30 years thinking these same thoughts. Hips worse for wear. Legs would be burned out long before I’d want them to, but you still there next to me to watch sleep afterwards.

So goodnight, gorgeous. I hope your legs are as sore as mine will be in the morning, and I hope you never leave my bed.

Love, sex & your look under moonlight

Your eyes have an orbit.  They’re heavy in gravity and darkness, and your lashes are bridges to the vastness of space.  I’m lost and I don’t want to be found.

Your stares feel warm like the sun.  When it’s gone though it haunts me.  A still picture of you in silence as you look me in the eyes and hold my gaze before turning away.  I can’t tell if a smile dripped from the corner of your lips or not.  It was probably just a memory being re-purposed.

You’re a 70’s girl with a 90’s past.  Your thick eyelashes and dark stares get me high.  I can’t say no, even if I wanted to.

Whenever I hear you I remember how to love someone I almost loved.  I can smirk at the absurdity of love as well and the audacity to look for it.  The spirits in your voice stir up the ghosts and they hold a glass in each other’s honor.  Everyone’s invited.  Past, present and future.

Dear Pablo

Dear Pablo,

I envy the pain that’s ached your life and has carved such beautiful scars.

I wish I could hurt as bad as you have.

To know the ripping contrast of emptiness and burning need

To be haunted by soft lips

To hear the echo of your name in her voice

Frozen at the smell of her perfume.

Dear Pablo,

I wish I could have loved as you have loved

and etched memories in my depths and in my soul.

To know the anger of being forgotten and to tell her I have forgotten her too.

To tell her I don’t feel the pain she caused anymore because

I can’t remember the way we kissed or how it killed me every time.

Dear Pablo,

I will never sing any language as eloquent as you

I can never hope to love a woman with your passion and vigor

All I can dream is that the pains I feel are deep

All I can ask is that when she leaves I’ll know a part of what you suffered.

The things we do

Love is vile.

Love is repulsive.

Love is abhorrent.

Love takes youth.

Love takes sanity.

Love takes everything.

Love is too complex.

Love is too hard.

Love is too much.

yet, love pulls us back in every time.

The heart wants what it wants

May 2017:  What do I want?  You!  When do I want it?  Now!

June 2017:  What do I want?  You!  When do I want it?  Now!

July 2017:  What do I want?  You!  When do I want it?  Now!

August 2017:  What do I want?  You!  When do I want it?  Now!

September 2017:  What do I want?  You!  When do I want it?  Now!

October 2017:  What do I want?  You!  When do I want it?  Now!

November 2017: …

December 2017: …

January 2018:   What do I want?  Everything!  When do I want it?  Now!

February – September 2018: What do I want?  It all to go back to how it was.  When do I want it?  Months ago.

October 2018:  What do I want?  Someone else?  When do I want it?  Now?

November 2018:  What do I want?  I have no idea.  When do I want it?  Now.

December 2018:  What do I want?  You!  When do I want it?  Now!

January 2019:  What do I want?  Nothing to change!  When do I want it?  Forever!

February 2019:  What do I want?  Nothing to change!  When do I want it?  Forever!

March 2019:  What do I want?  These fucking games to end.  When do I want it?  Now!

April 2019:  What do I want?  You, I think.  When do I want it?  I’m not sure anymore.

It’s Funny Sometimes

It’s funny when you don’t know what to do.  When you can’t be mad and don’t have enough yet to be sad but you know its probably coming, but you don’t even really have any right to be sad either.

Is it so bad to want to love someone without their permission?  To find someone that says something to you without words and tell them everything you’ve ever wanted to tell anyone.

To say, I love you.

To say, I need you.

To say, you make me feel like I’m the one who makes the stars shine so I can watch them sparkle in your eyes.

To say, you don’t know what you do to me.  There are only so many words that have been made and only so many places my hands can touch on your body for me to properly show you.  It will never be enough for me to explain the kind of life you breath into me each time I see you.

Is any of that so bad to have even if you didn’t ask for it?  Even if you think you didn’t want it and wished you could just be without it wouldn’t you think its not so bad if its just there for when you need it?

Why can’t a person love another person unabashedly, without fear or worry, without purpose or agenda.  Why can’t it just be a love of someone to give because you love them so much you’ll take whatever you can get and that will be enough?  Why can’t it be easy enough to simply love someone and have it accepted and enjoyed?

It’s funny when it hurts and it really shouldn’t.

It’s funny when you want to cry and you can’t.

It’s just funny sometimes the way things work.

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