A More Humorous Side To Death

“God Damnit!”  Death groaned.

“Hey, that’s a buck,” David looked over him.

“What?”  Death responded, annoyed.

“That’s a buck in the jar when we get back.  You said, well, you know what you said.”

“Ah for fuck’s sake.  I don’t need this right now.”

“Rules are rules,” David replied with a shrug.

“The rules seem to be out the fucking window lately, David.”  Death grunted as he tossed another body onto the cart.
“What the hell kind of name is David anyway?  Whatever happened to cool names like the Grim Reaper, The Angel of Death or Cerberus or something.”

David threw a body onto the cart himself, “the first two are just different nicknames for you and the third one is a mythological three-headed dog.”

Death sighed, “yeah well, the name was fucking cool.  Nobody ever gets cool names anymore.  Where’d you come from again?”

“I used to work at Facebook.”

“Oh, right,” Death paused for a moment, “So, is Zuck really that short?”

David simply nodded as he dragged another body over to the cart.

“So, what’s with all the bitching, Death?  You seem a bit peeved.”

Death let out a long sigh and looked out into the distance, “yeah I am kind of.  I’m getting old.  I’ve been at this for centuries and it’s the same damned thing over and over again.  Like okay, you worked at Facebook right?  Okay well it was a lot different when you finally bit the bucket than when you started right?  Where the hell are the technological advances in my line of work?  I mean fuck, I’m still using a god damn cart.”

“Bit the bucket?”  David stopped at the side of the cart and looked over at Death.

“What?”  Death turned half way towards David.

“You said bit the bucket.”

“Dude, fuck off with the nitpicking.  Jesus, where do they find you people.”

“That’s another buck.”

It’s been a bad year for Death.  His workload has been slowly increasing over the past few decades and it’s shown no signs of getting easier.  His boss is a tool as well.  One of those guys who sweet talks you to your face and then screws you over behind the scenes.

Deaths put in requests for improved equipment like a flatbed or a garbage truck or something where he could carry more bodies at once but his requests are repeatedly denied.  It’s always the same answer too.

“Death, come on,” the Devil would say, “we both know what you mean to this operation.  Everybody loves you and we all want you to do the best you can do, but really we can’t help you with these requests.  Honestly, what are people going to think if you pull up in a garbage truck with that beeping sound every time you need to back up or something?  And every time you need to dump a bin full of bodies that slow lifting arm and the way it shakes back and forth?  We would be a laughingstock.  Nobody would take us seriously.”

Death would just roll his eyes every time he heard this spiel and recant it in a mocking tone later in the day.

Nobody would take us seriously.  Really?  Nobody would take Death and Hell seriously?  What other option is there?  The management in this damn place is just gone to shit, I swear.  If I had any other options I’d transfer.  I don’t even care, I’d go to Hell.  Any circle.  Seventh, Fifth, First.  Doesn’t even matter.”

“Second would be my choice,” David offered.

Death chuckled, “yeah.  Everybody loves the second.  There is a long list of people trying to get into the second.”

“I heard its got a great view too,” David reached down to grab a bottle of water hanging from his belt.

“Oh yeah.  I was there once for an orientation meeting.  It was the only time they ever had it in the second circle.  It’s got the most amazing views of the lake of fire.  Instagram worthy.  Everyone’s always ruining it with their duck lips and pouting faces though.  Just take the damn picture and stop posing,” Death sighed and trudged back to the cart.

“Alright, we should get back and unload.  There’s a cult in Minnesota that thinks their savior will help them cheat death.  All they have to do is prove their belief by drinking some kind of poison,” David said as he threw a rope over the heap of bodies resting precariously on the cart.

Death chuckled again, “idiots.  I just hope the assholes stayed on land.  You have no fucking idea how difficult it is to pull dead bodies out of water.  We don’t have anything like a speedboat or jet ski.  No.  We’ve got a fucking rowboat, or as I like to call it a glorified canoe.  Basically have to drag each body one by one.  You should have seen what a clusterfuck the Titanic was.  People frozen to death hanging onto floating doors.  Assholes sitting one or two people in a boat.  What a fucking shit show.”

Death grabbed the pulley on the cart and grunted as he began to pull.  David pushed from the other end and the cart started to slowly inch down the road.

“David?”

“Yeah Death?”

“If you’re gonna stick around how about we call you Destructor or something?  We can be D&D.”

“Sure I mean, maybe not Destructor but we can work on it.”

As they got a short while down the road the cart hit a pothole and disrupted the balance.  The bodies piled high leaned to one side and Death yelled out, “whoa whoa whoa!  No!”

The cart stayed upright but half of the bodies fell off to one side and rolled into the ditch.

“FUCK!  Fuck!  Fucking hell!”  Death screamed into the air.
“Motherfuckers won’t even get us a god damn cart with suspension or proper straps or nothing!  God damnit!”

Death paused for half a second then wheeled around to point at David, “and don’t you fucking dare say anything about a buck!”

David threw his hands up and shook his head.

Death sighed and shook his head as well, “ugh.  Call it in.  We’re gonna be a while.  I don’t even give a shit anymore.  We need some help or this shit just isn’t going to get done.  I’m taking a break.”

David called in that they were going to be delayed.  Death wandered off into the trees mumbling to himself.  The day was just like every other he’s ever had since he took on the Death moniker, but different as well just as the next would be.  Forever retrieving the dead it was just like the mail, it would never stop.

Review: To All The Peter Kavinsky’s

I watched three movies this weekend.  Wait…when did I decide to post this?  On….Tuesday.  Okay good then never mind, I was on the right track.
I watched three movies this weekend, one I’ve already seen and two that I haven’t.  One came out in May….or at the beginning of June.  Either way its old so I’m not gonna go over it again.  It was aight, funny, same old same old (DP2).  The other one just came our like….a week ago.

And here is my completely pointless review of…

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before

YAY!

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Review: Crazy Rich, Funny, Hot, Cool Asians

I just saw a movie so you know what that means?  It’s review time!  Cue Obnoxious Horn Sound.

I would be the most obnoxious vlogger, like, ever.  Literally every transition would be that sound.  If I had a mouse for my lap top I would totally highlight every period in this post and make it a link to that horn sound.  The insanity of it is that I know nobody would click all of them and I would just be doing it for the Andy Kaufman effect.

For all of you long time listeners you’re well aware that my reviews aren’t much reviews but me just like- doing this.  So for you new people (ten long minutes of laughing at the idea of new people coming and reading this garbage) I am sorry that you found your way here and are being held hostage and forced to read this, also, welcome to my review of the movie Crazy, Rich Asians!

Please click the “Read More” jump button to like…you know…read more beyond the jump.

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The Greatest Day

Today is the greatest day.

Side Note:  This has nothing to do with Royal stuff or Political stuff (except the parts where I mention Royal or Political stuff).

Back to where I was, today is the greatest day.  Why?  Because of the day it is, duh.  Today is the greatest day because it is August 4th.  That day holds special meaning to this world and now you will know why and you will adopt it as your gospel and preach it upon the rooftops on your lunch break whenever you decide that a salad just isn’t going to cut it today.

I am inserting a page break now.  This is not over.  Please click “keep reading” or “continue reading” or whatever the hell it says right below here:

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The Unexpected Gift

I’ve come across a nice tornado of prompt and mind that seemed to meld well together.  Over at Ray NotBradbury prompt-o-thon she had an interesting prompt that I decided to participate in, “The Unexpected Gift.”  My idea is…dumb, to say the least but it made me laugh and really that’s all that matters because I rule.

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First I Lost My Ear, Now You Lose Your Life

Doesn’t this picture look like a poster from a Taken sequel?  Qui Gon Jin actor (or whatever spelling is correct) stars as Vincent Van Gogh (pronounced with a hard G for effect) out for revenge on the bastard who took his ear.  This is my pitch to Hollywood for the story:

Vincent Van Gogh, tortured genius and angrier young-version of the Lannister dad dude (that got like shot on the can or something by Bolivar Trask), was a poor and unknown painter until one morning he woke up missing a part of his ear.  The ear was gone but a note was left that simply read, “bitch.”

As a man of brilliance and mental lunacy, this drove him mad and he vowed to find whoever was responsible and bring them to his own form of vigilante justice.  The problem?  He doesn’t know who it is.

He will now have to piece together clues based on his most famous paintings to find the person responsible.  This globe-trotting take on the revenge action thriller is packed with enough buckets of blood colored paint to soothe your tortured soul.  But will Vincent find the ear lopping culprit or will his madness get to him first?

Starring, potentially, Eli Roth (wait no, Tim Roth!  I just looked it up and I had the wrong Roth [try saying that five times fast] in mind) as Van Gogh (remember, hard G).  I know I said Liam Neeson up there but I had a change of heart between writing that and writing this.  I’m fickle.

This girl, because I found her picture while looking for one of Peter Dinklage in that terrible Adam Sandler video game movie and YEOWZUH.  She has to be wearing the same outfit for the entire movie though.  No context given.  Nobody mentioning its out of the ordinary.

James Franco and Seth Rogen doing this in the background of some scenes.  Why?  Because.  It’s my movie.

Janelle Monae as random badass chick that steals every scene she’s in.  Spoiler alert: she’s in ever scene.

Javier Bardem because I just love saying his name.  His character’s name in the movie would be Javier Bardem and every time he came on screen people would announce his name in shock like they don’t expect him and say his full first and last name.

And my ideal director would be James Gunn because fuck Disney for doing exactly what right-wing dipshits wanted them to do.

 

Hollywood, call me.  Script is in the works.

In Appreciation of: Ross Geller

After a wicked-fun discussion with the lovely Lady Lazarus in the comments section of my post asking Bruce Willis to just shut up I got an idea that has been done…(googles to check the first page of hits) apparently 324,000 times but the Google machine will only let me look at about a hundred before it starts acting all Nazi like.  I wanted to write an appreciation of Ross Geller, brother of Monica Geller, son of Jack and Judy Geller on the fictional (yes its necessary to say its fictional) television show F*R!I#E^N$D”S.  (I couldn’t find colored asterisks, shut up).

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Oh Snap!

I saw an article recently about Avengers: Infinity War and it made me laugh a little.  I didn’t read it though.  Do we ever read the articles or just the headlines?  Who has TIME for reading anyways?  Psh.  If it isn’t in gif form I can’t even.

So, being about two months since the movie came out I figured all of the spoiler crows could calm down if I continued on this articles investigation.

********

Careful: Spoilers abound!

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Shut up, Bruce Willis!

It has come out recently that John McClane himself has decided to go to the dark side of one of the hottest internet debates in the history of internetting: is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

I just have this to say…

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