Random: M4F – NSA, Mental Exercises Only

I’m looking for cute girls with words to spend.  Artistic girls with painted hearts wrapped in canvas and dipped in their favorite color.  The kind of girls who have opinions on beautiful things and find beauty in things people don’t generally have opinions on.

They can be from all walks of life, because what better way to find beauty than through the eyes of someone who’s seen it from another angle.  Some from the 20th floor and looking at the tree tops and roofs of buildings in a sprawling city.  Others from the streets looking up at architectural marvels, birds flying over head and if you squint just right you might see the sky.  There are others too, from the country in the silent hours at night or the quiet crisp of morning.  Different countries with different traditions and their own definitions of beauteous conditions.

Generally speaking, because we all are generally the same except for enough differences to make us generally not, I prefer the minds of women.  It could be for various reasons that you’re all probably correct on when assuming and others you aren’t that never entered your mind.  I just like the way women typically think more so then the way men typically do.  I find them more open to change and chance.  Compromise and open-mindedness.  Each is their own person and nobody is going to fit the t-shirt perfectly but the size chart is a thing for a reason.

Let’s spend time listing the best words to describe a sunset while watching the dawn.  We can sit at the toe-tickle of the beach’s edge and wonder what the water’s thinking.  I want to lay in the grass and stare at the sky while listening to the leaves rattle in the wind and make up stories with another mind that doesn’t stop.  I want to race to see who can run the longest.

On your mark.  Get set.  Go.

Unfunny: Fake Thanksgiving

Alright Canada, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.  (I lazily tried to find a gif from Army Of Darkness where the skeleton dude says that line but I couldn’t find it.  Thanks for nothing internet.)

For nearly 16 years I’ve lived here I’ve had this bubbling up inside of me.  I’ve spewed my beliefs to others many times over the years.  I’ve received the same tepid reaction from them each time.  Now I turn myself to the internet for that same tepid reaction of, approximately, 8 views and 3 likes.  Happy Fake Thanksgiving, Canada.

Today is the official holiday of Canadian Thanksgiving, or as I like to call it: Fake Thanksgiving.

It is fake because it isn’t the real Thanksgiving.  That is at the end of November.
(Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like Real Thanksgiving either.  Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday.  I hate practically all of the food served.  The turkey is always dried out beyond belief.  Potatoes are gross.  Yams are gross.  I don’t even wanna start talking about that nasty purple guck people serve.  I typically take a roll, throw some turkey in it and a little butter and make a sandwich then scarf on some stuffing.  Although I would participate in a Thanksgiving once to try it if it resembled the one in the picture above.)
And don’t go all “hahaha, you’re saying Canadian Thanksgiving is fake news.”  No.  I’m not.  Shut up.  I hate that term.  I hate that “fake news” has become a thing people say regularly in society today.  It sounds like a dumb persons way of saying “you’re lying.”  They’re too stupid to realize its the same thing and has to say something catchy.  You sound stupid when you say it.  Don’t.

Growing up in the US I’m used to Thanksgiving being after Halloween.  It’s weird to have Halloween decorations and Thanksgiving/Fall stuff up at the same time.  The proper decoration cycle is Winter – Easter- Spring – 4th of July – Summer- Fall – Halloween – Christmas – Winter.  Stop deviating from the norm, Canada!

Also, sticking Thanksgiving way at the beginning of October messes with a number of other things.  Here is a list of them:

  • Way too much time for people to talk about Christmas.  At least with Thanksgiving as a reasonable buffer you don’t get fully Christmas-ized until the last few days of November.  In Canada you’ve got Santa fighting with Frankenstein for shelf space.
  • There should always be a possibility of snow on Thanksgiving.  I grew up in California and there was never a possibility of snow ever but movies and TV have told me there should be a chance of snow at Thanksgiving.
  • Home for the Holidays loses all its meaning when you have a two month break between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
    • Also, conversely, its easier to not go to one.  You can just say, “sorry, I can’t miss that much time.  I’m going to have to skip Thanksgiving this year,” and it’s reasonable.  When you’ve got a two month break in between you don’t really have an excuse.
  • The Turkey Purge should be a global thing.  All turkey’s should fear the end of November like some massive ritual so one day, when the turkey’s rise up it will be their independence day.
  • They stole Columbus day!  Although, yeah, you’re right.  Columbus was a murdering jack-off so he shouldn’t get his own day.  Why does he have a day anyways?  I mean yeah he “founded” North America but technically the dickhead got lost.  That isn’t something we should be celebrating.
  • It makes the annoying Black Friday sales even dumber.  Black Friday is supposed to be the day after Thanksgiving.  Canada retailers want to get in on the nonsense so they also have their own sales but without the holiday before.
    • Black Friday is dumb.  Anyone who participates in it is enabling dumb.  Stop it.  Make it go away.
  • Summer JUST ended about a week and a half ago.  You can’t jump into the middle of Fall celebration stuff that quickly.  Cut it out.  Give us some mourning time.
  • It makes Thanksgiving Football Thursday really weird here.  It’s like daytime football in the middle of the week for no reason.
  • They won’t give me both holidays off for being a dual citizen and I’m at work right now.

The next time you see a Canadian on the second Monday in October, be sure to tell them that they are wrong and they need to conform to North American norms.  That being…the US is doing a lot of shitty stuff lately so maybe I’ll be cool with Fake Thanksgiving four a couple of more years at least.

 

Random: Bathroom Etiquette

It’s Wednesday today (yes it is, shut up) and I thought I would get a few items off my chest in regard to men’s bathroom etiquette.  Namely: STOP DOING THESE THINGS OMG!!!

First and foremost is the item mentioned in the picture above.  It is only acceptable to stand next to another man in a urinal if it is an emergency and your pants are in jeopardy of becoming pee’d on.  Otherwise you wait.  If there is a line then you are free to take any urinal at your disposal.  If there is no line then you wait until a urinal is free with an empty space on either side.

Side note:  Recent urinal technology has made the very necessary barriers between the urinals that I like to call “elbow guards” because they prevent strangers errant elbows from touching you while you pee.  More places need to have these, and not the half ones.  Tall people easily stretch above them.  Make them chin length for the average man please.

Whenever you’re entering a men’s bathroom you are entering a sacred place.  Not sacred in the sense that it is a holy location but sacred because there are a few things you do not do.

  • Never speak to another person in the men’s bathroom.  Conversations are forbidden.
    • Saying someone’s name is a horrifying breach of conduct.
    • Speaking from inside a stall should be penalized by death.
  • There is to be absolutely no physical contact.  This includes patting on the back, shaking hands, fist bumps or hair tussles.
  • Always turn the lights on.  Do not stand inside a men’s bathroom doing your business with the lights off.  Nobody benefits from this.
    • The person coming into the bathroom is startled that someone is in there.  They turn on the lights thinking, “oh good, I can get in and out quickly,” but no.  You’re in there.  With the lights off for some reason like a fucking creep.
    • You are startled when the door opens and the lights turn on.  You have to quickly finish whether you were done or not and hope they don’t ask why the lights were off.  Why were they off, Gary?  Why were they off?!
  • Clean up the water on the sink.  What the hell is wrong with you?  If you drip water all over the sink wipe it the hell up, dumb ass.
  • Don’t stand in the doorway carrying on a conversation you were having outside the men’s bathroom.  Once you touch the door handle, or even are within a step of the door handle, your conversation is over.
  • Upon exiting the men’s bathroom please do not engaging in any discussion, humorous or not, about the happenings which occurred in there.  It is a private matter between you and the porcelain.

These are things that have been on my mind for a while now.  I experience at least one of them every week at work.  They bother me.  Please stop doing them.  I will cut you.

 

PS:  If any women would like to add/post their own woman’s bathroom etiquette I’m sure some men would be fascinated to find out what kind of gross beings you ladies are as well.  From first hand accounts being told to me by my wife I have heard women can be even grosser than men.  How DO you end up getting the seat wet in a woman’s bathroom?

Feel free to add!

Random: My Inner Kanye

I ain’t it
playin tag with a ghost
swimmin on the sea’a sheets
slappin on that booty
makin it burnt like toast
Kinda

Don’t tell me I ain’t no cool guy
You like that cig danglin at the end’a my lips
I’s kinda like that pony holder tangled up in ya hair
Let’s take a bath and dirty the clean water

I see that lipstick on ya panties
fade away
You a luxury
You make my knuckles bleed
You feed that nicotine need
I wanna pop that pussy like I pop balloons

I like words on my shirts
I have tears on my pillow
cause its all I known
How’d we get here again?
I remember this street
But it look so different now

I wanna see some blue come outta that green
Your garters caught in my teeth
Tell me what you look like in the mirror
Wish you weren’t there
or at least I wish I ain’t here

I ain’t got tears left for those who don’t fuck wit me
Find a girl that wear a tilted tiara
Keep her if she let you wear it