Review: King of Monster Jams

It’s been a while since I wrote something completely dumb and stupid so I figured why not review a movie just saw this weekend.  That’ll be all kinds of dumb and stupid.

So yeah, please follow the READ MORE tag to READ MORE (see: list) about GODZILLA:  KING OF LOUD THINGS!

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I’m Excited

When this is posted and whenever you’re reading it, whoever you are, I am immersed in an experience that will light the visions of our dawn for years in the future.  I will have seen the light and the dark and which will prevail, whatever it takes.

The small and the large.
The new and the old.

They will come together and be as one.

For now, as you read this or having read it or in past future tense, I have seen justice and the future.  Right now?  Right now.  Right-now.

It will have begun, The Endgame.

OMG I’M SEEING AVENGERS: ENDGAME RIGHT NOW AND I’M SO JUICED!

Sorry, I’m an idiot.  I know.  I’m earning my bl..b…blo….thing title.  Not even a little bit funny.

But, anyways, I’m seeing Endgame right now.  I’m writing this in the past to have it post in the future so you can all read it (because I know each and every one of you is reading this and not just clicking “like” right?  RIGHT?!) while I’m enjoying the movie.

So, because this is a big deal (for me because I’m a dork) I am going to now make a list (!!!) of all the love, hate, beginnings, endings, babies, vinyl CDs, theme parks and Mountain Dew flavors this movie is going to accomplish, solve and start.

TO THE LISTMOBILE!

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55 Fiction: Just Being Me

“I want to say something.”

“What?”

“Something I shouldn’t.”

“Then don’t.”

“But I want to.”

“Oh my god.  Do it or don’t.  Stop fucking around.”

“I -,” the three little dots sat on her side of the phone for a long time.

“Spit it out!”

“I have to pee.”

“You’re so god damn annoying.”

“I know.”

Unfunny: Fake Thanksgiving

Alright Canada, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.  (I lazily tried to find a gif from Army Of Darkness where the skeleton dude says that line but I couldn’t find it.  Thanks for nothing internet.)

For nearly 16 years I’ve lived here I’ve had this bubbling up inside of me.  I’ve spewed my beliefs to others many times over the years.  I’ve received the same tepid reaction from them each time.  Now I turn myself to the internet for that same tepid reaction of, approximately, 8 views and 3 likes.  Happy Fake Thanksgiving, Canada.

Today is the official holiday of Canadian Thanksgiving, or as I like to call it: Fake Thanksgiving.

It is fake because it isn’t the real Thanksgiving.  That is at the end of November.
(Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like Real Thanksgiving either.  Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday.  I hate practically all of the food served.  The turkey is always dried out beyond belief.  Potatoes are gross.  Yams are gross.  I don’t even wanna start talking about that nasty purple guck people serve.  I typically take a roll, throw some turkey in it and a little butter and make a sandwich then scarf on some stuffing.  Although I would participate in a Thanksgiving once to try it if it resembled the one in the picture above.)
And don’t go all “hahaha, you’re saying Canadian Thanksgiving is fake news.”  No.  I’m not.  Shut up.  I hate that term.  I hate that “fake news” has become a thing people say regularly in society today.  It sounds like a dumb persons way of saying “you’re lying.”  They’re too stupid to realize its the same thing and has to say something catchy.  You sound stupid when you say it.  Don’t.

Growing up in the US I’m used to Thanksgiving being after Halloween.  It’s weird to have Halloween decorations and Thanksgiving/Fall stuff up at the same time.  The proper decoration cycle is Winter – Easter- Spring – 4th of July – Summer- Fall – Halloween – Christmas – Winter.  Stop deviating from the norm, Canada!

Also, sticking Thanksgiving way at the beginning of October messes with a number of other things.  Here is a list of them:

  • Way too much time for people to talk about Christmas.  At least with Thanksgiving as a reasonable buffer you don’t get fully Christmas-ized until the last few days of November.  In Canada you’ve got Santa fighting with Frankenstein for shelf space.
  • There should always be a possibility of snow on Thanksgiving.  I grew up in California and there was never a possibility of snow ever but movies and TV have told me there should be a chance of snow at Thanksgiving.
  • Home for the Holidays loses all its meaning when you have a two month break between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
    • Also, conversely, its easier to not go to one.  You can just say, “sorry, I can’t miss that much time.  I’m going to have to skip Thanksgiving this year,” and it’s reasonable.  When you’ve got a two month break in between you don’t really have an excuse.
  • The Turkey Purge should be a global thing.  All turkey’s should fear the end of November like some massive ritual so one day, when the turkey’s rise up it will be their independence day.
  • They stole Columbus day!  Although, yeah, you’re right.  Columbus was a murdering jack-off so he shouldn’t get his own day.  Why does he have a day anyways?  I mean yeah he “founded” North America but technically the dickhead got lost.  That isn’t something we should be celebrating.
  • It makes the annoying Black Friday sales even dumber.  Black Friday is supposed to be the day after Thanksgiving.  Canada retailers want to get in on the nonsense so they also have their own sales but without the holiday before.
    • Black Friday is dumb.  Anyone who participates in it is enabling dumb.  Stop it.  Make it go away.
  • Summer JUST ended about a week and a half ago.  You can’t jump into the middle of Fall celebration stuff that quickly.  Cut it out.  Give us some mourning time.
  • It makes Thanksgiving Football Thursday really weird here.  It’s like daytime football in the middle of the week for no reason.
  • They won’t give me both holidays off for being a dual citizen and I’m at work right now.

The next time you see a Canadian on the second Monday in October, be sure to tell them that they are wrong and they need to conform to North American norms.  That being…the US is doing a lot of shitty stuff lately so maybe I’ll be cool with Fake Thanksgiving four a couple of more years at least.

 

Review: Not Spiderman

I like going to the movies!

So what better way to reminisce going to the movies than by writing about your movie going experience!  Huzzah!  That’s enough exclamation points!  One more!  YES!

So I wasn’t sure about this movie for a while now.  Usually whenever you read rumblings of it having trouble you kind of shouldn’t expect much.  Not that it had production issues just the trailer was very underwhelming.  It didn’t turn out to be an R-rated movie which the character was pretty much designed.  And, I dunno, I just don’t trust Sony to be able to pull off doing a Marvel movie on their own.

So, without…oh…screw you.  Here’s my review of…Venom.

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Random: Bathroom Etiquette

It’s Wednesday today (yes it is, shut up) and I thought I would get a few items off my chest in regard to men’s bathroom etiquette.  Namely: STOP DOING THESE THINGS OMG!!!

First and foremost is the item mentioned in the picture above.  It is only acceptable to stand next to another man in a urinal if it is an emergency and your pants are in jeopardy of becoming pee’d on.  Otherwise you wait.  If there is a line then you are free to take any urinal at your disposal.  If there is no line then you wait until a urinal is free with an empty space on either side.

Side note:  Recent urinal technology has made the very necessary barriers between the urinals that I like to call “elbow guards” because they prevent strangers errant elbows from touching you while you pee.  More places need to have these, and not the half ones.  Tall people easily stretch above them.  Make them chin length for the average man please.

Whenever you’re entering a men’s bathroom you are entering a sacred place.  Not sacred in the sense that it is a holy location but sacred because there are a few things you do not do.

  • Never speak to another person in the men’s bathroom.  Conversations are forbidden.
    • Saying someone’s name is a horrifying breach of conduct.
    • Speaking from inside a stall should be penalized by death.
  • There is to be absolutely no physical contact.  This includes patting on the back, shaking hands, fist bumps or hair tussles.
  • Always turn the lights on.  Do not stand inside a men’s bathroom doing your business with the lights off.  Nobody benefits from this.
    • The person coming into the bathroom is startled that someone is in there.  They turn on the lights thinking, “oh good, I can get in and out quickly,” but no.  You’re in there.  With the lights off for some reason like a fucking creep.
    • You are startled when the door opens and the lights turn on.  You have to quickly finish whether you were done or not and hope they don’t ask why the lights were off.  Why were they off, Gary?  Why were they off?!
  • Clean up the water on the sink.  What the hell is wrong with you?  If you drip water all over the sink wipe it the hell up, dumb ass.
  • Don’t stand in the doorway carrying on a conversation you were having outside the men’s bathroom.  Once you touch the door handle, or even are within a step of the door handle, your conversation is over.
  • Upon exiting the men’s bathroom please do not engaging in any discussion, humorous or not, about the happenings which occurred in there.  It is a private matter between you and the porcelain.

These are things that have been on my mind for a while now.  I experience at least one of them every week at work.  They bother me.  Please stop doing them.  I will cut you.

 

PS:  If any women would like to add/post their own woman’s bathroom etiquette I’m sure some men would be fascinated to find out what kind of gross beings you ladies are as well.  From first hand accounts being told to me by my wife I have heard women can be even grosser than men.  How DO you end up getting the seat wet in a woman’s bathroom?

Feel free to add!

Review: The One Ugly Mother F*@%!&

I SAW A MOVIE!  You know what that means?
That’s right!  A post nobody will read!  WOO HOO!

Not that I expect anyone to read my ramblings.  I just like taking jabs at myself because self deprecation is sexy.

So I went to go see a movie on Saturday night and I know its a few weeks after it first came out and like NOBODY is really interested in a review about it now but that’s like…totally the time I would write something about it then!

So, without further adieu (except, you know, all the adieu that is to follow before the actual content is there) I bring to you my review of….

The Predator!

(Follow the “read more” tag because I don’t know, some people aren’t that bright (me) and don’t always click the read more tags (me) to continue reading (me).

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Cooking With A Moron

So I’m dumb, hi, how are you?

Background:

I enjoy spicy food.  Sometimes it doesn’t enjoy me.  But, aside from that, I wanted to make my own spicy slather to put on edible type foodstuffs.  I like things to have a kick to them.  I looked up how to make a spicy sauce and using fresh ingredients seemed to come back as the number one thing so I figured I’d give it a shot.

Up until this point I had simply been using some pre-made gelatin type substance and thrown some spices on it and voila, mediocre blandness.  I wanted something good though so I decided to go Martha Stewart on some asses.

I bought a Habanero pepper (cue doom music).

I actually bought three habanero peppers because they were only 30 cents a piece.  I chopped it up into tiny little pieces and mixed it in with some sour cream and mayo.  Squirted in some lemon juice and a bit of garlic salt and cayenne pepper because why not, right?

Let me tell you – IT.SMELLED.DELICIOUS.

I was excited.  So excited.  I put it in the fridge and was anticipating breakfast tomorrow like more than anything.  I went to go sit down on the couch and beam in my excitement glow.  Then I rubbed my eye.

Back to the start:  I’m dumb, hi, how are you?

So…when cutting up a habanero pepper not once did it occur to me that some of these spicy hot juices would make their way onto my fingertips.  PARRISH THE THOUGHT!  When my eye was a little itchy I did what I always did, rubbed it with the tip of my finger.  Although, after cutting up the habanero pepper I was so excited about its delicious aroma that I forgot to wash my hands.

CUE THE BURNING!

O-M-F-G

Have you ever gone to Universal Stuidos in the late 90s when they had the Backdraft Experience “ride”?  Where you go into a studio and they basically burn the shit out of a set and the fire is melting your face off?  Well, it was like that only the only melting was concentrated in my eye.  There was an inferno going on and my eyeball was sitting in its juices.

So, naturally, I decided to clean the infernal juices off of my eye.  WITH MY FINGERTIP AGAIN LIKE A FUCKING MORON!  It started to burn more intensely.  It hurt.  A lot.

I went in and washed my hands with soap and water, with my eyes closed because ow.  I cleaned them off and went to rub my eye again.  STILL BURNING!

I believe the juices soaked in pretty damn deep.  So deep that hours later, after the burning had subsided and I had forgotten about the ordeal I rubbed my eye again and it flared up once more.  Not nearly as bad but I still needed a tissue to unwater my eye.  For the time being, however, I needed something a bit more intense.

Thankfully, at this point, my brain decided to join in and said something along the lines of, “hey, idiot.  Why don’t you stop rubbing it with what’s obviously making it worse and wet a facecloth, huh?”

So I did that.  I rubbed and wiped and the burning cooled.  It went away shortly after.  My eyeball was going to survive.  Maybe this was going to be my super power, rubbing habanero pepper juice into peoples eyes.  I’m guessing that is what being pepper sprayed feels like?  Now I know at least.

The habanero pepper sauce I made though…SO GOOD.  Hot and delicious and omg yum.  It was worth it.  Burning eyeballs and all.  Lesson?  Always wash your hands.

Unfunny: The Ill Effects Of Tanning On Aliens

Hi, I’m Troy McClure and I’m here to talk to you about the ill effects of tanning on aliens in the sense of humanoids in the Earth realm.  You might remember me from such education videos as Don’t Put That In There, It’ll Hurt and Wipe Twice Just In Case.

As you can see I am gold.  It’s more of a shimmery yellow when you’re up close but on video it appears as if I was touched by Midas himself.  Oh boy, it cannot be further from the truth.  This is a case of Alien-Skin Distortion!

Alien-Skin Distortion is the process from the Earth’s young sun on aliens that are used to a much older and strengthened sun.  It alters the color, and sometimes texture, of an alien from a Red Giant or pretty much anything other than an average star.  So, tip number one travelers: find out what kind of star you’re traveling towards.

So, I’m gold as you can see.  That isn’t the only possible color other aliens could be turned.  Depending on a number of different variables the color range of your skin could change to a purple, a red, an orange or even a faded out speckled look.  Of course if you are already any of these colors then of course it wouldn’t apply to you.

One might ask, “Troy, if you’re an alien and not the color of a regular human while traveling to Earth then why would it matter?”

Ha!  Good question, Billy.

This would matter because you may have to coordinate your entire wardrobe depending on what color you’re going to be changing.  Also, it isn’t as simple as changing your color back once you go home.  There is a long process of readjusting to your own sun’s rays, but that is a topic for another video you’ll receive on the trip home.

Traveling to Earth from another planet is a bit of a trek.  It’s on the outskirts of the universe and more of a rural and rustic vacation for those who like something different.  The inhabitants of Earth aren’t known for their easy-going attitudes and acceptance so an alien is expected to look and act the part upon meeting any native Earthlings.  You must match clothing from head to toe as the same color.  You’re considered an even higher form of life if you can match your clothing to your skin color, like me!

One of the precautions you can take if you are from a Red Giant solar system is to make sure you have plenty of Super Sun Screen.  Lather yourself up in it.  It wouldn’t hurt to pay a little extra and transport yourself across the universe in a dipping pod where the super sun screen and soak into your skin.  It’s proven to have 23% more effectiveness than merely applying by hand, foot, tentacle.

Another way to prevent skin distortion is to wear a helmet and gloves at all times.  This is not ideal as part of the reason most people travel to Earth is due to its welcoming climate.  You can’t enjoy your trip if you’re hiding behind a bee helmet and stinger gloves the entire time.  A secondary negative option is that you may scare the locals.  Nothing frightens rednecks like a giant bee person from outer space.

You can also try to find something to do on Earth that involves staying in-doors.  Don’t travel out on day trips into the wilderness.  The constant sun ray exposure will aid in your skin distortion as well as the outdoors is rife with primitive animals that don’t respond to alien speech or hand gestures.  Vacationing without one of your arms would really be considered roughing it, wouldn’t it Billy?  Hahaha.

I hope this video was informative for you.  Please heed the content within it and if you have any comments you can write them on the contact cards and we will address them on your re-board for the trip home.  Enjoy your trip to Earth and try to have a good time.  Also, if you’re traveling in the Earth calendar month of February its quite cold.  You may want to think twice about any water submersion activities.

Thank You and Enjoy,

Troy McClure and Space-Aides