Unfunny: I R Dumb

Let’s think of the opposites/not sameses of popular sayings/descriptions.  In other words, don’t read this its really stupid.

 

First we have:

“You’ve got hips that won’t quit,” but what about-

“You’ve got hips that have held three different jobs in the last two years.”

Next there’s the common:

“I love the way you look at me with your piercing eyes,” is always nice to hear but then there’s-

“I love the way you look at me with your flat ended eyes.”

I’m sure you’ve heard:

“You’ve got legs that go all the way up,” which is kind silly in its own right, but we can do better-

“You’ve got legs that go part way up then get stuck and kind of slope back down at an angle.”

Guy’s often are told to aspire to this one:

“I’ve always loved the feeling of his washboard abs,” which if you kind of think is a little outdated, so-

“I’ve always loved the feeling of his washing machine agitator like abs.”

It’s not always just physical attributes:

“They are smart as a whip,” always makes me want to say whupah but what about-

“They are smart as a whisk.”

This doesn’t just apply to people related things:

“A picture is worth a thousand words,” is such an annoying saying to me personally-

“A picture is worth a thousand other pictures if you put them together and make a flip book.”

There are some weird ones:

“You’ve got a beautiful head of hair,” seemed like a strange point to emphasis on the head because I never thought of saying something like-

“You’ve got a beautiful armpit of hair.”

Back to physical attributes though:

“I love your beautiful, full lips,” sounds like a strange compliment considering the alternative would be-

“I love your beautiful, empty lips.”

I’ve always thought this one was a little off:

“I loved their voice, it was like velvet,” makes me furrow my brow thinking of an alternative like-

“I love their voice, it was like polyvinyl chloride.”

Another good fabric one is:

“They had soft and silky skin,” would kind of be weird wouldn’t it?  Not as much as-

“They had hard and polyester skin.”

 

Then I thought it’d be fun to just ramble off a few alternatives to descriptions as follows:

Her hair was black as night, or-

  • black as licorice
  • black as a frostbitten limb
  • black as a really old banana that’s been in the fridge for a while
  • black as it is when I close my eyes

His eyes were a beautiful chestnut brown, or-

  • a beautiful stick colored brown
  • a beautiful dirt brown
  • a beautiful murky water brown
  • a beautiful old, dead leaf brown

Her hair was a deep, blood red, or-

  • a deep, lasagna red
  • a deep, elmo red
  • a deep, Nacho Dorito red
  • a deep, tylenol bottle cap red

 

Thank you for making it this far.  You are all better writers now.  Go forth and go write using all of the lessons you’ve learned here today.

 

Unfunny: Hilarity

In honor of this tweet, one year ago, in the year of our Lord and Savoir Nicholas Cage I submit to you something that made me laugh my ass off for hours and hours and hours.  This is my stupid sense of humor at work and I’ve written a scheduled post to have this post on the one year anniversary of reading this.

I follow a baseball blog for baseball news (among other things).  Part of the fun of this particular blog was the nonsense and silliness that would go on in the comments that was well beyond baseball, proof being the picture adorning this post.  I have no idea why the candy corn frozen pizza tweet was posted but it was.  On its own its funny but more of a chuckle and a cringe.

The “but why” (I’ve removed user names for sake of I-don’t-want-them-there) made it funnier.  In my mind I picture/hear almost everything.  One of my favorite gif is the Ryan Reynolds gif “But why?”  So, naturally, this is what I heard/saw/experienced and laughed a little more riotously.

The clincher, however, is the LotR pic at the bottom.  My mind is dumb, as I’ve said before.  It can place things in areas it doesn’t belong and often does, much to my detriment.  I’m often thinking of the wrong things that other people are thinking because I’ve already pigeonholed things into my own little boxes.  So with this I’ve already replaced, in my mind, the ring with the frozen candy corn pizza.  Yeah I know.

So I’m picturing the LotR movie but instead of the ring, dude’s got the pizza.  Instead of putting it on his finger he’s taking a bite.  He’s still all evil and junk now because the pizza has consumed him with the evil of Sauron.  It’s just….so….stupid.  I’m smirking as I type this because I still think its funny.  Mr Anderson is pleading with him to destroy this pizza.  It’s…so so dumb.  But so so funny.  To me.

That isn’t even adventuring into the world of “who the hell would think of doing this to begin with?”  (Quick answer?  Someone high I’m sure.)

This post is merely an homage to that occurrence that happened a year ago today, to the minute of it happening.  For me anyways.  My time is set to it because I don’t know where- checks the name of the twitter account The Real Asswolf is in the world to align time zones.  Sorry if that offends your sense of accuracy.

I should, some time, do another hilarity post about something I found once about lions and leaping/jumping.  I kid you not I laughed for over 15 minutes straight.  There were times where I couldn’t breathe I was laughing so hard.  I annoyed the fuck out of my wife because I would just burst into laughter and gasped for air.  It’s still funny, but not as funny as the first time I read it.  But oh my god…I am a moron.

 

Thank you and I’m sorry.

A More Humorous Side To Death

“God Damnit!”  Death groaned.

“Hey, that’s a buck,” David looked over him.

“What?”  Death responded, annoyed.

“That’s a buck in the jar when we get back.  You said, well, you know what you said.”

“Ah for fuck’s sake.  I don’t need this right now.”

“Rules are rules,” David replied with a shrug.

“The rules seem to be out the fucking window lately, David.”  Death grunted as he tossed another body onto the cart.
“What the hell kind of name is David anyway?  Whatever happened to cool names like the Grim Reaper, The Angel of Death or Cerberus or something.”

David threw a body onto the cart himself, “the first two are just different nicknames for you and the third one is a mythological three-headed dog.”

Death sighed, “yeah well, the name was fucking cool.  Nobody ever gets cool names anymore.  Where’d you come from again?”

“I used to work at Facebook.”

“Oh, right,” Death paused for a moment, “So, is Zuck really that short?”

David simply nodded as he dragged another body over to the cart.

“So, what’s with all the bitching, Death?  You seem a bit peeved.”

Death let out a long sigh and looked out into the distance, “yeah I am kind of.  I’m getting old.  I’ve been at this for centuries and it’s the same damned thing over and over again.  Like okay, you worked at Facebook right?  Okay well it was a lot different when you finally bit the bucket than when you started right?  Where the hell are the technological advances in my line of work?  I mean fuck, I’m still using a god damn cart.”

“Bit the bucket?”  David stopped at the side of the cart and looked over at Death.

“What?”  Death turned half way towards David.

“You said bit the bucket.”

“Dude, fuck off with the nitpicking.  Jesus, where do they find you people.”

“That’s another buck.”

It’s been a bad year for Death.  His workload has been slowly increasing over the past few decades and it’s shown no signs of getting easier.  His boss is a tool as well.  One of those guys who sweet talks you to your face and then screws you over behind the scenes.

Deaths put in requests for improved equipment like a flatbed or a garbage truck or something where he could carry more bodies at once but his requests are repeatedly denied.  It’s always the same answer too.

“Death, come on,” the Devil would say, “we both know what you mean to this operation.  Everybody loves you and we all want you to do the best you can do, but really we can’t help you with these requests.  Honestly, what are people going to think if you pull up in a garbage truck with that beeping sound every time you need to back up or something?  And every time you need to dump a bin full of bodies that slow lifting arm and the way it shakes back and forth?  We would be a laughingstock.  Nobody would take us seriously.”

Death would just roll his eyes every time he heard this spiel and recant it in a mocking tone later in the day.

Nobody would take us seriously.  Really?  Nobody would take Death and Hell seriously?  What other option is there?  The management in this damn place is just gone to shit, I swear.  If I had any other options I’d transfer.  I don’t even care, I’d go to Hell.  Any circle.  Seventh, Fifth, First.  Doesn’t even matter.”

“Second would be my choice,” David offered.

Death chuckled, “yeah.  Everybody loves the second.  There is a long list of people trying to get into the second.”

“I heard its got a great view too,” David reached down to grab a bottle of water hanging from his belt.

“Oh yeah.  I was there once for an orientation meeting.  It was the only time they ever had it in the second circle.  It’s got the most amazing views of the lake of fire.  Instagram worthy.  Everyone’s always ruining it with their duck lips and pouting faces though.  Just take the damn picture and stop posing,” Death sighed and trudged back to the cart.

“Alright, we should get back and unload.  There’s a cult in Minnesota that thinks their savior will help them cheat death.  All they have to do is prove their belief by drinking some kind of poison,” David said as he threw a rope over the heap of bodies resting precariously on the cart.

Death chuckled again, “idiots.  I just hope the assholes stayed on land.  You have no fucking idea how difficult it is to pull dead bodies out of water.  We don’t have anything like a speedboat or jet ski.  No.  We’ve got a fucking rowboat, or as I like to call it a glorified canoe.  Basically have to drag each body one by one.  You should have seen what a clusterfuck the Titanic was.  People frozen to death hanging onto floating doors.  Assholes sitting one or two people in a boat.  What a fucking shit show.”

Death grabbed the pulley on the cart and grunted as he began to pull.  David pushed from the other end and the cart started to slowly inch down the road.

“David?”

“Yeah Death?”

“If you’re gonna stick around how about we call you Destructor or something?  We can be D&D.”

“Sure I mean, maybe not Destructor but we can work on it.”

As they got a short while down the road the cart hit a pothole and disrupted the balance.  The bodies piled high leaned to one side and Death yelled out, “whoa whoa whoa!  No!”

The cart stayed upright but half of the bodies fell off to one side and rolled into the ditch.

“FUCK!  Fuck!  Fucking hell!”  Death screamed into the air.
“Motherfuckers won’t even get us a god damn cart with suspension or proper straps or nothing!  God damnit!”

Death paused for half a second then wheeled around to point at David, “and don’t you fucking dare say anything about a buck!”

David threw his hands up and shook his head.

Death sighed and shook his head as well, “ugh.  Call it in.  We’re gonna be a while.  I don’t even give a shit anymore.  We need some help or this shit just isn’t going to get done.  I’m taking a break.”

David called in that they were going to be delayed.  Death wandered off into the trees mumbling to himself.  The day was just like every other he’s ever had since he took on the Death moniker, but different as well just as the next would be.  Forever retrieving the dead it was just like the mail, it would never stop.

Review: Crazy Rich, Funny, Hot, Cool Asians

I just saw a movie so you know what that means?  It’s review time!  Cue Obnoxious Horn Sound.

I would be the most obnoxious vlogger, like, ever.  Literally every transition would be that sound.  If I had a mouse for my lap top I would totally highlight every period in this post and make it a link to that horn sound.  The insanity of it is that I know nobody would click all of them and I would just be doing it for the Andy Kaufman effect.

For all of you long time listeners you’re well aware that my reviews aren’t much reviews but me just like- doing this.  So for you new people (ten long minutes of laughing at the idea of new people coming and reading this garbage) I am sorry that you found your way here and are being held hostage and forced to read this, also, welcome to my review of the movie Crazy, Rich Asians!

Please click the “Read More” jump button to like…you know…read more beyond the jump.

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The Greatest Day

Today is the greatest day.

Side Note:  This has nothing to do with Royal stuff or Political stuff (except the parts where I mention Royal or Political stuff).

Back to where I was, today is the greatest day.  Why?  Because of the day it is, duh.  Today is the greatest day because it is August 4th.  That day holds special meaning to this world and now you will know why and you will adopt it as your gospel and preach it upon the rooftops on your lunch break whenever you decide that a salad just isn’t going to cut it today.

I am inserting a page break now.  This is not over.  Please click “keep reading” or “continue reading” or whatever the hell it says right below here:

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In Appreciation of: Ross Geller

After a wicked-fun discussion with the lovely Lady Lazarus in the comments section of my post asking Bruce Willis to just shut up I got an idea that has been done…(googles to check the first page of hits) apparently 324,000 times but the Google machine will only let me look at about a hundred before it starts acting all Nazi like.  I wanted to write an appreciation of Ross Geller, brother of Monica Geller, son of Jack and Judy Geller on the fictional (yes its necessary to say its fictional) television show F*R!I#E^N$D”S.  (I couldn’t find colored asterisks, shut up).

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Everything you like is stupid

If you’re going to continue reading, please be fluent sarcasm or find a sarcasm to English translator for assistance.

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