Review: King of Monster Jams

It’s been a while since I wrote something completely dumb and stupid so I figured why not review a movie just saw this weekend.  That’ll be all kinds of dumb and stupid.

So yeah, please follow the READ MORE tag to READ MORE (see: list) about GODZILLA:  KING OF LOUD THINGS!

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I’m Excited

When this is posted and whenever you’re reading it, whoever you are, I am immersed in an experience that will light the visions of our dawn for years in the future.  I will have seen the light and the dark and which will prevail, whatever it takes.

The small and the large.
The new and the old.

They will come together and be as one.

For now, as you read this or having read it or in past future tense, I have seen justice and the future.  Right now?  Right now.  Right-now.

It will have begun, The Endgame.

OMG I’M SEEING AVENGERS: ENDGAME RIGHT NOW AND I’M SO JUICED!

Sorry, I’m an idiot.  I know.  I’m earning my bl..b…blo….thing title.  Not even a little bit funny.

But, anyways, I’m seeing Endgame right now.  I’m writing this in the past to have it post in the future so you can all read it (because I know each and every one of you is reading this and not just clicking “like” right?  RIGHT?!) while I’m enjoying the movie.

So, because this is a big deal (for me because I’m a dork) I am going to now make a list (!!!) of all the love, hate, beginnings, endings, babies, vinyl CDs, theme parks and Mountain Dew flavors this movie is going to accomplish, solve and start.

TO THE LISTMOBILE!

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Ramblings

I think I need a new name.  Not for me but for this wordpress thing.  (I hate calling it a blog because a blog is something someone does with a purpose to be a blogger [in my mind] and I don’t have enough coherent thoughts to ever attempt that.  This is more just my practice writing.)  It feels like the name “legitimately unfunny” doesn’t really fit the vibe of my writing.

I picked the name because, well, it fits more my personality than my writing.  The idea of being unfunny is that not only is someone not a funny person but they are so not funny they make funny things unfunny.
Great, not the word funny sounds strange when I say it because I said it too many times.
I got that idea, the unfunny thing, from when I try and tell a story or anecdote.  I butcher it.  I leave out details.  I have no idea how to hit the points to make them sound like they’re important.  I have no rhythm.  So I can take a funny story and make it unfunny.  Then, legitimately is well, my confirmation of it.

But then I have the issue of not wanting to sound pretentious.  I don’t want to try and have a name and have it sound so uber cool that it would make me want to vomit.  Not literally but still, you know what I mean.
Or, if not pretentious then something so serious and drab that it’s depressing and “emo.”
And then really though, it’s so hard to come up with a name.  Being stuck with that thing as what you’re known when referred to as.  Picking names for other things or people or pets isn’t so hard because I’m not the one who is stuck with it.  (I feel bad for my cat I had when I was a kid.  It’s name was “Kitty.”  I was not creative.)

So, these 300+ words so far are just me saying that I’m thinking about changing then name of my wordpress thing.  We’ll see I guess.  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Whatever.  Shut up.  Whirling, whirling into the abyss that is my rambling mind.

Unfunny: Fake Thanksgiving

Alright Canada, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.  (I lazily tried to find a gif from Army Of Darkness where the skeleton dude says that line but I couldn’t find it.  Thanks for nothing internet.)

For nearly 16 years I’ve lived here I’ve had this bubbling up inside of me.  I’ve spewed my beliefs to others many times over the years.  I’ve received the same tepid reaction from them each time.  Now I turn myself to the internet for that same tepid reaction of, approximately, 8 views and 3 likes.  Happy Fake Thanksgiving, Canada.

Today is the official holiday of Canadian Thanksgiving, or as I like to call it: Fake Thanksgiving.

It is fake because it isn’t the real Thanksgiving.  That is at the end of November.
(Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like Real Thanksgiving either.  Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday.  I hate practically all of the food served.  The turkey is always dried out beyond belief.  Potatoes are gross.  Yams are gross.  I don’t even wanna start talking about that nasty purple guck people serve.  I typically take a roll, throw some turkey in it and a little butter and make a sandwich then scarf on some stuffing.  Although I would participate in a Thanksgiving once to try it if it resembled the one in the picture above.)
And don’t go all “hahaha, you’re saying Canadian Thanksgiving is fake news.”  No.  I’m not.  Shut up.  I hate that term.  I hate that “fake news” has become a thing people say regularly in society today.  It sounds like a dumb persons way of saying “you’re lying.”  They’re too stupid to realize its the same thing and has to say something catchy.  You sound stupid when you say it.  Don’t.

Growing up in the US I’m used to Thanksgiving being after Halloween.  It’s weird to have Halloween decorations and Thanksgiving/Fall stuff up at the same time.  The proper decoration cycle is Winter – Easter- Spring – 4th of July – Summer- Fall – Halloween – Christmas – Winter.  Stop deviating from the norm, Canada!

Also, sticking Thanksgiving way at the beginning of October messes with a number of other things.  Here is a list of them:

  • Way too much time for people to talk about Christmas.  At least with Thanksgiving as a reasonable buffer you don’t get fully Christmas-ized until the last few days of November.  In Canada you’ve got Santa fighting with Frankenstein for shelf space.
  • There should always be a possibility of snow on Thanksgiving.  I grew up in California and there was never a possibility of snow ever but movies and TV have told me there should be a chance of snow at Thanksgiving.
  • Home for the Holidays loses all its meaning when you have a two month break between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
    • Also, conversely, its easier to not go to one.  You can just say, “sorry, I can’t miss that much time.  I’m going to have to skip Thanksgiving this year,” and it’s reasonable.  When you’ve got a two month break in between you don’t really have an excuse.
  • The Turkey Purge should be a global thing.  All turkey’s should fear the end of November like some massive ritual so one day, when the turkey’s rise up it will be their independence day.
  • They stole Columbus day!  Although, yeah, you’re right.  Columbus was a murdering jack-off so he shouldn’t get his own day.  Why does he have a day anyways?  I mean yeah he “founded” North America but technically the dickhead got lost.  That isn’t something we should be celebrating.
  • It makes the annoying Black Friday sales even dumber.  Black Friday is supposed to be the day after Thanksgiving.  Canada retailers want to get in on the nonsense so they also have their own sales but without the holiday before.
    • Black Friday is dumb.  Anyone who participates in it is enabling dumb.  Stop it.  Make it go away.
  • Summer JUST ended about a week and a half ago.  You can’t jump into the middle of Fall celebration stuff that quickly.  Cut it out.  Give us some mourning time.
  • It makes Thanksgiving Football Thursday really weird here.  It’s like daytime football in the middle of the week for no reason.
  • They won’t give me both holidays off for being a dual citizen and I’m at work right now.

The next time you see a Canadian on the second Monday in October, be sure to tell them that they are wrong and they need to conform to North American norms.  That being…the US is doing a lot of shitty stuff lately so maybe I’ll be cool with Fake Thanksgiving four a couple of more years at least.

 

Review: Not Spiderman

I like going to the movies!

So what better way to reminisce going to the movies than by writing about your movie going experience!  Huzzah!  That’s enough exclamation points!  One more!  YES!

So I wasn’t sure about this movie for a while now.  Usually whenever you read rumblings of it having trouble you kind of shouldn’t expect much.  Not that it had production issues just the trailer was very underwhelming.  It didn’t turn out to be an R-rated movie which the character was pretty much designed.  And, I dunno, I just don’t trust Sony to be able to pull off doing a Marvel movie on their own.

So, without…oh…screw you.  Here’s my review of…Venom.

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Random: Bathroom Etiquette

It’s Wednesday today (yes it is, shut up) and I thought I would get a few items off my chest in regard to men’s bathroom etiquette.  Namely: STOP DOING THESE THINGS OMG!!!

First and foremost is the item mentioned in the picture above.  It is only acceptable to stand next to another man in a urinal if it is an emergency and your pants are in jeopardy of becoming pee’d on.  Otherwise you wait.  If there is a line then you are free to take any urinal at your disposal.  If there is no line then you wait until a urinal is free with an empty space on either side.

Side note:  Recent urinal technology has made the very necessary barriers between the urinals that I like to call “elbow guards” because they prevent strangers errant elbows from touching you while you pee.  More places need to have these, and not the half ones.  Tall people easily stretch above them.  Make them chin length for the average man please.

Whenever you’re entering a men’s bathroom you are entering a sacred place.  Not sacred in the sense that it is a holy location but sacred because there are a few things you do not do.

  • Never speak to another person in the men’s bathroom.  Conversations are forbidden.
    • Saying someone’s name is a horrifying breach of conduct.
    • Speaking from inside a stall should be penalized by death.
  • There is to be absolutely no physical contact.  This includes patting on the back, shaking hands, fist bumps or hair tussles.
  • Always turn the lights on.  Do not stand inside a men’s bathroom doing your business with the lights off.  Nobody benefits from this.
    • The person coming into the bathroom is startled that someone is in there.  They turn on the lights thinking, “oh good, I can get in and out quickly,” but no.  You’re in there.  With the lights off for some reason like a fucking creep.
    • You are startled when the door opens and the lights turn on.  You have to quickly finish whether you were done or not and hope they don’t ask why the lights were off.  Why were they off, Gary?  Why were they off?!
  • Clean up the water on the sink.  What the hell is wrong with you?  If you drip water all over the sink wipe it the hell up, dumb ass.
  • Don’t stand in the doorway carrying on a conversation you were having outside the men’s bathroom.  Once you touch the door handle, or even are within a step of the door handle, your conversation is over.
  • Upon exiting the men’s bathroom please do not engaging in any discussion, humorous or not, about the happenings which occurred in there.  It is a private matter between you and the porcelain.

These are things that have been on my mind for a while now.  I experience at least one of them every week at work.  They bother me.  Please stop doing them.  I will cut you.

 

PS:  If any women would like to add/post their own woman’s bathroom etiquette I’m sure some men would be fascinated to find out what kind of gross beings you ladies are as well.  From first hand accounts being told to me by my wife I have heard women can be even grosser than men.  How DO you end up getting the seat wet in a woman’s bathroom?

Feel free to add!

Review: The One Ugly Mother F*@%!&

I SAW A MOVIE!  You know what that means?
That’s right!  A post nobody will read!  WOO HOO!

Not that I expect anyone to read my ramblings.  I just like taking jabs at myself because self deprecation is sexy.

So I went to go see a movie on Saturday night and I know its a few weeks after it first came out and like NOBODY is really interested in a review about it now but that’s like…totally the time I would write something about it then!

So, without further adieu (except, you know, all the adieu that is to follow before the actual content is there) I bring to you my review of….

The Predator!

(Follow the “read more” tag because I don’t know, some people aren’t that bright (me) and don’t always click the read more tags (me) to continue reading (me).

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Unfunny: The Ill Effects Of Tanning On Aliens

Hi, I’m Troy McClure and I’m here to talk to you about the ill effects of tanning on aliens in the sense of humanoids in the Earth realm.  You might remember me from such education videos as Don’t Put That In There, It’ll Hurt and Wipe Twice Just In Case.

As you can see I am gold.  It’s more of a shimmery yellow when you’re up close but on video it appears as if I was touched by Midas himself.  Oh boy, it cannot be further from the truth.  This is a case of Alien-Skin Distortion!

Alien-Skin Distortion is the process from the Earth’s young sun on aliens that are used to a much older and strengthened sun.  It alters the color, and sometimes texture, of an alien from a Red Giant or pretty much anything other than an average star.  So, tip number one travelers: find out what kind of star you’re traveling towards.

So, I’m gold as you can see.  That isn’t the only possible color other aliens could be turned.  Depending on a number of different variables the color range of your skin could change to a purple, a red, an orange or even a faded out speckled look.  Of course if you are already any of these colors then of course it wouldn’t apply to you.

One might ask, “Troy, if you’re an alien and not the color of a regular human while traveling to Earth then why would it matter?”

Ha!  Good question, Billy.

This would matter because you may have to coordinate your entire wardrobe depending on what color you’re going to be changing.  Also, it isn’t as simple as changing your color back once you go home.  There is a long process of readjusting to your own sun’s rays, but that is a topic for another video you’ll receive on the trip home.

Traveling to Earth from another planet is a bit of a trek.  It’s on the outskirts of the universe and more of a rural and rustic vacation for those who like something different.  The inhabitants of Earth aren’t known for their easy-going attitudes and acceptance so an alien is expected to look and act the part upon meeting any native Earthlings.  You must match clothing from head to toe as the same color.  You’re considered an even higher form of life if you can match your clothing to your skin color, like me!

One of the precautions you can take if you are from a Red Giant solar system is to make sure you have plenty of Super Sun Screen.  Lather yourself up in it.  It wouldn’t hurt to pay a little extra and transport yourself across the universe in a dipping pod where the super sun screen and soak into your skin.  It’s proven to have 23% more effectiveness than merely applying by hand, foot, tentacle.

Another way to prevent skin distortion is to wear a helmet and gloves at all times.  This is not ideal as part of the reason most people travel to Earth is due to its welcoming climate.  You can’t enjoy your trip if you’re hiding behind a bee helmet and stinger gloves the entire time.  A secondary negative option is that you may scare the locals.  Nothing frightens rednecks like a giant bee person from outer space.

You can also try to find something to do on Earth that involves staying in-doors.  Don’t travel out on day trips into the wilderness.  The constant sun ray exposure will aid in your skin distortion as well as the outdoors is rife with primitive animals that don’t respond to alien speech or hand gestures.  Vacationing without one of your arms would really be considered roughing it, wouldn’t it Billy?  Hahaha.

I hope this video was informative for you.  Please heed the content within it and if you have any comments you can write them on the contact cards and we will address them on your re-board for the trip home.  Enjoy your trip to Earth and try to have a good time.  Also, if you’re traveling in the Earth calendar month of February its quite cold.  You may want to think twice about any water submersion activities.

Thank You and Enjoy,

Troy McClure and Space-Aides

Unfunny: I R Dumb

Let’s think of the opposites/not sameses of popular sayings/descriptions.  In other words, don’t read this its really stupid.

 

First we have:

“You’ve got hips that won’t quit,” but what about-

“You’ve got hips that have held three different jobs in the last two years.”

Next there’s the common:

“I love the way you look at me with your piercing eyes,” is always nice to hear but then there’s-

“I love the way you look at me with your flat ended eyes.”

I’m sure you’ve heard:

“You’ve got legs that go all the way up,” which is kind silly in its own right, but we can do better-

“You’ve got legs that go part way up then get stuck and kind of slope back down at an angle.”

Guy’s often are told to aspire to this one:

“I’ve always loved the feeling of his washboard abs,” which if you kind of think is a little outdated, so-

“I’ve always loved the feeling of his washing machine agitator like abs.”

It’s not always just physical attributes:

“They are smart as a whip,” always makes me want to say whupah but what about-

“They are smart as a whisk.”

This doesn’t just apply to people related things:

“A picture is worth a thousand words,” is such an annoying saying to me personally-

“A picture is worth a thousand other pictures if you put them together and make a flip book.”

There are some weird ones:

“You’ve got a beautiful head of hair,” seemed like a strange point to emphasis on the head because I never thought of saying something like-

“You’ve got a beautiful armpit of hair.”

Back to physical attributes though:

“I love your beautiful, full lips,” sounds like a strange compliment considering the alternative would be-

“I love your beautiful, empty lips.”

I’ve always thought this one was a little off:

“I loved their voice, it was like velvet,” makes me furrow my brow thinking of an alternative like-

“I love their voice, it was like polyvinyl chloride.”

Another good fabric one is:

“They had soft and silky skin,” would kind of be weird wouldn’t it?  Not as much as-

“They had hard and polyester skin.”

 

Then I thought it’d be fun to just ramble off a few alternatives to descriptions as follows:

Her hair was black as night, or-

  • black as licorice
  • black as a frostbitten limb
  • black as a really old banana that’s been in the fridge for a while
  • black as it is when I close my eyes

His eyes were a beautiful chestnut brown, or-

  • a beautiful stick colored brown
  • a beautiful dirt brown
  • a beautiful murky water brown
  • a beautiful old, dead leaf brown

Her hair was a deep, blood red, or-

  • a deep, lasagna red
  • a deep, elmo red
  • a deep, Nacho Dorito red
  • a deep, tylenol bottle cap red

 

Thank you for making it this far.  You are all better writers now.  Go forth and go write using all of the lessons you’ve learned here today.