Affidavit Of Love & Death

“Excuse me?  This isn’t the kind of love I ordered.  I distinctly asked for something with less spittle.”

“I’m sorry, I’m going to have to steal that.  I hope you don’t mind.”

“I’m dying.  No, please.  Don’t make a fuss.  It’s coming and I can’t do a thing about it.  I just hope my hair doesn’t wilt before the funeral.  Anyways.  Tell them all I loved them.  No, don’t say that.  A few of them were the most unsavory types.  How about this?  She loved who she loved.  The rest can find the nearest trolley and throw themselves beneath it.  Just be kind enough to not do it in the early morning or evening commute.  No use causing a commotion even in death.”

“Hello.  You don’t know me but I’m in love with you.  Thank you for letting me tell you that.  Have a wonderful life.”

“I really don’t know what the big deal about having money is.  So you can buy whatever you want and most of your worries will go away, big deal.  I can find new worries so easily to replace the old ones.  They’ll be wonderfully frightful worries ten times as worse.”

“If you’re going to kiss me then kiss me already.  If not then stop staring at me like you’re going to because I really have to use the bathroom and I don’t know how much longer I can hold it.”

“When you’re dead can you please turn off the lights on the way out?  Some of us still have to pay the power bill.”

“I love the way you let me stare at you.  I know you notice and I’m glad you don’t ask me to stop.”

“Lets all go to the zoo and try to guess which is the next trainer that is going to be on the news because they were mauled.”

“If a writer dies and goes to hell they’re eternal damnation is spent doing the same thing they did when they were alive; trying to finish writing a novel but eventually scraping it and starting over.”

“I think it’s time.”

Unfunny: Fake Thanksgiving

Alright Canada, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.  (I lazily tried to find a gif from Army Of Darkness where the skeleton dude says that line but I couldn’t find it.  Thanks for nothing internet.)

For nearly 16 years I’ve lived here I’ve had this bubbling up inside of me.  I’ve spewed my beliefs to others many times over the years.  I’ve received the same tepid reaction from them each time.  Now I turn myself to the internet for that same tepid reaction of, approximately, 8 views and 3 likes.  Happy Fake Thanksgiving, Canada.

Today is the official holiday of Canadian Thanksgiving, or as I like to call it: Fake Thanksgiving.

It is fake because it isn’t the real Thanksgiving.  That is at the end of November.
(Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like Real Thanksgiving either.  Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday.  I hate practically all of the food served.  The turkey is always dried out beyond belief.  Potatoes are gross.  Yams are gross.  I don’t even wanna start talking about that nasty purple guck people serve.  I typically take a roll, throw some turkey in it and a little butter and make a sandwich then scarf on some stuffing.  Although I would participate in a Thanksgiving once to try it if it resembled the one in the picture above.)
And don’t go all “hahaha, you’re saying Canadian Thanksgiving is fake news.”  No.  I’m not.  Shut up.  I hate that term.  I hate that “fake news” has become a thing people say regularly in society today.  It sounds like a dumb persons way of saying “you’re lying.”  They’re too stupid to realize its the same thing and has to say something catchy.  You sound stupid when you say it.  Don’t.

Growing up in the US I’m used to Thanksgiving being after Halloween.  It’s weird to have Halloween decorations and Thanksgiving/Fall stuff up at the same time.  The proper decoration cycle is Winter – Easter- Spring – 4th of July – Summer- Fall – Halloween – Christmas – Winter.  Stop deviating from the norm, Canada!

Also, sticking Thanksgiving way at the beginning of October messes with a number of other things.  Here is a list of them:

  • Way too much time for people to talk about Christmas.  At least with Thanksgiving as a reasonable buffer you don’t get fully Christmas-ized until the last few days of November.  In Canada you’ve got Santa fighting with Frankenstein for shelf space.
  • There should always be a possibility of snow on Thanksgiving.  I grew up in California and there was never a possibility of snow ever but movies and TV have told me there should be a chance of snow at Thanksgiving.
  • Home for the Holidays loses all its meaning when you have a two month break between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
    • Also, conversely, its easier to not go to one.  You can just say, “sorry, I can’t miss that much time.  I’m going to have to skip Thanksgiving this year,” and it’s reasonable.  When you’ve got a two month break in between you don’t really have an excuse.
  • The Turkey Purge should be a global thing.  All turkey’s should fear the end of November like some massive ritual so one day, when the turkey’s rise up it will be their independence day.
  • They stole Columbus day!  Although, yeah, you’re right.  Columbus was a murdering jack-off so he shouldn’t get his own day.  Why does he have a day anyways?  I mean yeah he “founded” North America but technically the dickhead got lost.  That isn’t something we should be celebrating.
  • It makes the annoying Black Friday sales even dumber.  Black Friday is supposed to be the day after Thanksgiving.  Canada retailers want to get in on the nonsense so they also have their own sales but without the holiday before.
    • Black Friday is dumb.  Anyone who participates in it is enabling dumb.  Stop it.  Make it go away.
  • Summer JUST ended about a week and a half ago.  You can’t jump into the middle of Fall celebration stuff that quickly.  Cut it out.  Give us some mourning time.
  • It makes Thanksgiving Football Thursday really weird here.  It’s like daytime football in the middle of the week for no reason.
  • They won’t give me both holidays off for being a dual citizen and I’m at work right now.

The next time you see a Canadian on the second Monday in October, be sure to tell them that they are wrong and they need to conform to North American norms.  That being…the US is doing a lot of shitty stuff lately so maybe I’ll be cool with Fake Thanksgiving four a couple of more years at least.

 

Review: Not Spiderman

I like going to the movies!

So what better way to reminisce going to the movies than by writing about your movie going experience!  Huzzah!  That’s enough exclamation points!  One more!  YES!

So I wasn’t sure about this movie for a while now.  Usually whenever you read rumblings of it having trouble you kind of shouldn’t expect much.  Not that it had production issues just the trailer was very underwhelming.  It didn’t turn out to be an R-rated movie which the character was pretty much designed.  And, I dunno, I just don’t trust Sony to be able to pull off doing a Marvel movie on their own.

So, without…oh…screw you.  Here’s my review of…Venom.

Read More »

Random: Bathroom Etiquette

It’s Wednesday today (yes it is, shut up) and I thought I would get a few items off my chest in regard to men’s bathroom etiquette.  Namely: STOP DOING THESE THINGS OMG!!!

First and foremost is the item mentioned in the picture above.  It is only acceptable to stand next to another man in a urinal if it is an emergency and your pants are in jeopardy of becoming pee’d on.  Otherwise you wait.  If there is a line then you are free to take any urinal at your disposal.  If there is no line then you wait until a urinal is free with an empty space on either side.

Side note:  Recent urinal technology has made the very necessary barriers between the urinals that I like to call “elbow guards” because they prevent strangers errant elbows from touching you while you pee.  More places need to have these, and not the half ones.  Tall people easily stretch above them.  Make them chin length for the average man please.

Whenever you’re entering a men’s bathroom you are entering a sacred place.  Not sacred in the sense that it is a holy location but sacred because there are a few things you do not do.

  • Never speak to another person in the men’s bathroom.  Conversations are forbidden.
    • Saying someone’s name is a horrifying breach of conduct.
    • Speaking from inside a stall should be penalized by death.
  • There is to be absolutely no physical contact.  This includes patting on the back, shaking hands, fist bumps or hair tussles.
  • Always turn the lights on.  Do not stand inside a men’s bathroom doing your business with the lights off.  Nobody benefits from this.
    • The person coming into the bathroom is startled that someone is in there.  They turn on the lights thinking, “oh good, I can get in and out quickly,” but no.  You’re in there.  With the lights off for some reason like a fucking creep.
    • You are startled when the door opens and the lights turn on.  You have to quickly finish whether you were done or not and hope they don’t ask why the lights were off.  Why were they off, Gary?  Why were they off?!
  • Clean up the water on the sink.  What the hell is wrong with you?  If you drip water all over the sink wipe it the hell up, dumb ass.
  • Don’t stand in the doorway carrying on a conversation you were having outside the men’s bathroom.  Once you touch the door handle, or even are within a step of the door handle, your conversation is over.
  • Upon exiting the men’s bathroom please do not engaging in any discussion, humorous or not, about the happenings which occurred in there.  It is a private matter between you and the porcelain.

These are things that have been on my mind for a while now.  I experience at least one of them every week at work.  They bother me.  Please stop doing them.  I will cut you.

 

PS:  If any women would like to add/post their own woman’s bathroom etiquette I’m sure some men would be fascinated to find out what kind of gross beings you ladies are as well.  From first hand accounts being told to me by my wife I have heard women can be even grosser than men.  How DO you end up getting the seat wet in a woman’s bathroom?

Feel free to add!

Review: The One Ugly Mother F*@%!&

I SAW A MOVIE!  You know what that means?
That’s right!  A post nobody will read!  WOO HOO!

Not that I expect anyone to read my ramblings.  I just like taking jabs at myself because self deprecation is sexy.

So I went to go see a movie on Saturday night and I know its a few weeks after it first came out and like NOBODY is really interested in a review about it now but that’s like…totally the time I would write something about it then!

So, without further adieu (except, you know, all the adieu that is to follow before the actual content is there) I bring to you my review of….

The Predator!

(Follow the “read more” tag because I don’t know, some people aren’t that bright (me) and don’t always click the read more tags (me) to continue reading (me).

Read More »

Random: My Inner Kanye

I ain’t it
playin tag with a ghost
swimmin on the sea’a sheets
slappin on that booty
makin it burnt like toast
Kinda

Don’t tell me I ain’t no cool guy
You like that cig danglin at the end’a my lips
I’s kinda like that pony holder tangled up in ya hair
Let’s take a bath and dirty the clean water

I see that lipstick on ya panties
fade away
You a luxury
You make my knuckles bleed
You feed that nicotine need
I wanna pop that pussy like I pop balloons

I like words on my shirts
I have tears on my pillow
cause its all I known
How’d we get here again?
I remember this street
But it look so different now

I wanna see some blue come outta that green
Your garters caught in my teeth
Tell me what you look like in the mirror
Wish you weren’t there
or at least I wish I ain’t here

I ain’t got tears left for those who don’t fuck wit me
Find a girl that wear a tilted tiara
Keep her if she let you wear it

Unfunny: I R Dumb

Let’s think of the opposites/not sameses of popular sayings/descriptions.  In other words, don’t read this its really stupid.

 

First we have:

“You’ve got hips that won’t quit,” but what about-

“You’ve got hips that have held three different jobs in the last two years.”

Next there’s the common:

“I love the way you look at me with your piercing eyes,” is always nice to hear but then there’s-

“I love the way you look at me with your flat ended eyes.”

I’m sure you’ve heard:

“You’ve got legs that go all the way up,” which is kind silly in its own right, but we can do better-

“You’ve got legs that go part way up then get stuck and kind of slope back down at an angle.”

Guy’s often are told to aspire to this one:

“I’ve always loved the feeling of his washboard abs,” which if you kind of think is a little outdated, so-

“I’ve always loved the feeling of his washing machine agitator like abs.”

It’s not always just physical attributes:

“They are smart as a whip,” always makes me want to say whupah but what about-

“They are smart as a whisk.”

This doesn’t just apply to people related things:

“A picture is worth a thousand words,” is such an annoying saying to me personally-

“A picture is worth a thousand other pictures if you put them together and make a flip book.”

There are some weird ones:

“You’ve got a beautiful head of hair,” seemed like a strange point to emphasis on the head because I never thought of saying something like-

“You’ve got a beautiful armpit of hair.”

Back to physical attributes though:

“I love your beautiful, full lips,” sounds like a strange compliment considering the alternative would be-

“I love your beautiful, empty lips.”

I’ve always thought this one was a little off:

“I loved their voice, it was like velvet,” makes me furrow my brow thinking of an alternative like-

“I love their voice, it was like polyvinyl chloride.”

Another good fabric one is:

“They had soft and silky skin,” would kind of be weird wouldn’t it?  Not as much as-

“They had hard and polyester skin.”

 

Then I thought it’d be fun to just ramble off a few alternatives to descriptions as follows:

Her hair was black as night, or-

  • black as licorice
  • black as a frostbitten limb
  • black as a really old banana that’s been in the fridge for a while
  • black as it is when I close my eyes

His eyes were a beautiful chestnut brown, or-

  • a beautiful stick colored brown
  • a beautiful dirt brown
  • a beautiful murky water brown
  • a beautiful old, dead leaf brown

Her hair was a deep, blood red, or-

  • a deep, lasagna red
  • a deep, elmo red
  • a deep, Nacho Dorito red
  • a deep, tylenol bottle cap red

 

Thank you for making it this far.  You are all better writers now.  Go forth and go write using all of the lessons you’ve learned here today.

 

Unfunny: Hilarity

In honor of this tweet, one year ago, in the year of our Lord and Savoir Nicholas Cage I submit to you something that made me laugh my ass off for hours and hours and hours.  This is my stupid sense of humor at work and I’ve written a scheduled post to have this post on the one year anniversary of reading this.

I follow a baseball blog for baseball news (among other things).  Part of the fun of this particular blog was the nonsense and silliness that would go on in the comments that was well beyond baseball, proof being the picture adorning this post.  I have no idea why the candy corn frozen pizza tweet was posted but it was.  On its own its funny but more of a chuckle and a cringe.

The “but why” (I’ve removed user names for sake of I-don’t-want-them-there) made it funnier.  In my mind I picture/hear almost everything.  One of my favorite gif is the Ryan Reynolds gif “But why?”  So, naturally, this is what I heard/saw/experienced and laughed a little more riotously.

The clincher, however, is the LotR pic at the bottom.  My mind is dumb, as I’ve said before.  It can place things in areas it doesn’t belong and often does, much to my detriment.  I’m often thinking of the wrong things that other people are thinking because I’ve already pigeonholed things into my own little boxes.  So with this I’ve already replaced, in my mind, the ring with the frozen candy corn pizza.  Yeah I know.

So I’m picturing the LotR movie but instead of the ring, dude’s got the pizza.  Instead of putting it on his finger he’s taking a bite.  He’s still all evil and junk now because the pizza has consumed him with the evil of Sauron.  It’s just….so….stupid.  I’m smirking as I type this because I still think its funny.  Mr Anderson is pleading with him to destroy this pizza.  It’s…so so dumb.  But so so funny.  To me.

That isn’t even adventuring into the world of “who the hell would think of doing this to begin with?”  (Quick answer?  Someone high I’m sure.)

This post is merely an homage to that occurrence that happened a year ago today, to the minute of it happening.  For me anyways.  My time is set to it because I don’t know where- checks the name of the twitter account The Real Asswolf is in the world to align time zones.  Sorry if that offends your sense of accuracy.

I should, some time, do another hilarity post about something I found once about lions and leaping/jumping.  I kid you not I laughed for over 15 minutes straight.  There were times where I couldn’t breathe I was laughing so hard.  I annoyed the fuck out of my wife because I would just burst into laughter and gasped for air.  It’s still funny, but not as funny as the first time I read it.  But oh my god…I am a moron.

 

Thank you and I’m sorry.

A More Humorous Side To Death

“God Damnit!”  Death groaned.

“Hey, that’s a buck,” David looked over him.

“What?”  Death responded, annoyed.

“That’s a buck in the jar when we get back.  You said, well, you know what you said.”

“Ah for fuck’s sake.  I don’t need this right now.”

“Rules are rules,” David replied with a shrug.

“The rules seem to be out the fucking window lately, David.”  Death grunted as he tossed another body onto the cart.
“What the hell kind of name is David anyway?  Whatever happened to cool names like the Grim Reaper, The Angel of Death or Cerberus or something.”

David threw a body onto the cart himself, “the first two are just different nicknames for you and the third one is a mythological three-headed dog.”

Death sighed, “yeah well, the name was fucking cool.  Nobody ever gets cool names anymore.  Where’d you come from again?”

“I used to work at Facebook.”

“Oh, right,” Death paused for a moment, “So, is Zuck really that short?”

David simply nodded as he dragged another body over to the cart.

“So, what’s with all the bitching, Death?  You seem a bit peeved.”

Death let out a long sigh and looked out into the distance, “yeah I am kind of.  I’m getting old.  I’ve been at this for centuries and it’s the same damned thing over and over again.  Like okay, you worked at Facebook right?  Okay well it was a lot different when you finally bit the bucket than when you started right?  Where the hell are the technological advances in my line of work?  I mean fuck, I’m still using a god damn cart.”

“Bit the bucket?”  David stopped at the side of the cart and looked over at Death.

“What?”  Death turned half way towards David.

“You said bit the bucket.”

“Dude, fuck off with the nitpicking.  Jesus, where do they find you people.”

“That’s another buck.”

It’s been a bad year for Death.  His workload has been slowly increasing over the past few decades and it’s shown no signs of getting easier.  His boss is a tool as well.  One of those guys who sweet talks you to your face and then screws you over behind the scenes.

Deaths put in requests for improved equipment like a flatbed or a garbage truck or something where he could carry more bodies at once but his requests are repeatedly denied.  It’s always the same answer too.

“Death, come on,” the Devil would say, “we both know what you mean to this operation.  Everybody loves you and we all want you to do the best you can do, but really we can’t help you with these requests.  Honestly, what are people going to think if you pull up in a garbage truck with that beeping sound every time you need to back up or something?  And every time you need to dump a bin full of bodies that slow lifting arm and the way it shakes back and forth?  We would be a laughingstock.  Nobody would take us seriously.”

Death would just roll his eyes every time he heard this spiel and recant it in a mocking tone later in the day.

Nobody would take us seriously.  Really?  Nobody would take Death and Hell seriously?  What other option is there?  The management in this damn place is just gone to shit, I swear.  If I had any other options I’d transfer.  I don’t even care, I’d go to Hell.  Any circle.  Seventh, Fifth, First.  Doesn’t even matter.”

“Second would be my choice,” David offered.

Death chuckled, “yeah.  Everybody loves the second.  There is a long list of people trying to get into the second.”

“I heard its got a great view too,” David reached down to grab a bottle of water hanging from his belt.

“Oh yeah.  I was there once for an orientation meeting.  It was the only time they ever had it in the second circle.  It’s got the most amazing views of the lake of fire.  Instagram worthy.  Everyone’s always ruining it with their duck lips and pouting faces though.  Just take the damn picture and stop posing,” Death sighed and trudged back to the cart.

“Alright, we should get back and unload.  There’s a cult in Minnesota that thinks their savior will help them cheat death.  All they have to do is prove their belief by drinking some kind of poison,” David said as he threw a rope over the heap of bodies resting precariously on the cart.

Death chuckled again, “idiots.  I just hope the assholes stayed on land.  You have no fucking idea how difficult it is to pull dead bodies out of water.  We don’t have anything like a speedboat or jet ski.  No.  We’ve got a fucking rowboat, or as I like to call it a glorified canoe.  Basically have to drag each body one by one.  You should have seen what a clusterfuck the Titanic was.  People frozen to death hanging onto floating doors.  Assholes sitting one or two people in a boat.  What a fucking shit show.”

Death grabbed the pulley on the cart and grunted as he began to pull.  David pushed from the other end and the cart started to slowly inch down the road.

“David?”

“Yeah Death?”

“If you’re gonna stick around how about we call you Destructor or something?  We can be D&D.”

“Sure I mean, maybe not Destructor but we can work on it.”

As they got a short while down the road the cart hit a pothole and disrupted the balance.  The bodies piled high leaned to one side and Death yelled out, “whoa whoa whoa!  No!”

The cart stayed upright but half of the bodies fell off to one side and rolled into the ditch.

“FUCK!  Fuck!  Fucking hell!”  Death screamed into the air.
“Motherfuckers won’t even get us a god damn cart with suspension or proper straps or nothing!  God damnit!”

Death paused for half a second then wheeled around to point at David, “and don’t you fucking dare say anything about a buck!”

David threw his hands up and shook his head.

Death sighed and shook his head as well, “ugh.  Call it in.  We’re gonna be a while.  I don’t even give a shit anymore.  We need some help or this shit just isn’t going to get done.  I’m taking a break.”

David called in that they were going to be delayed.  Death wandered off into the trees mumbling to himself.  The day was just like every other he’s ever had since he took on the Death moniker, but different as well just as the next would be.  Forever retrieving the dead it was just like the mail, it would never stop.