Review: King of Monster Jams

It’s been a while since I wrote something completely dumb and stupid so I figured why not review a movie just saw this weekend.  That’ll be all kinds of dumb and stupid.

So yeah, please follow the READ MORE tag to READ MORE (see: list) about GODZILLA:  KING OF LOUD THINGS!

I really like John Mulaney.  He’s not in this movie but I like to drop his name whenever I can.  (This was the first time I’ve ever dropped his name).  Although, John Mulaney in this movie would have been hilarious.

John Mulaney voice:  Hey.  -pointing-  Would you look at that giant lizard thing.  Why’s it so angry?  Hey!  Lizard!  Why are you so angry.  Is it because you can’t moisturize and your skin looks like one of those gross artisanal breads with all that extra crap on top that you don’t know what it is and usually just scrape off?  I guess that’d make me angry too to have cauliflower skin.

Maybe he should be in the sequel?  Godzilla vs Dermatology.

Anyways.  I like John Mulaney and one of my favorite things he would write was the sketches on SNL for Stefan.  I loved how Stefan would say “It’s got EVERYTHING” and then list a bunch of bizarre stuff and at the end he would say something really strange and Seth would ask “what’s that?”  Stefan would then say “it’s that thing where-” and go onto describe something truly bizarre.

Anyways, again, that’s where my list was birthed from.  John Mulaney’s Stefan Canal.  (That needs to be in literature somewhere.  The Stefan Canal.)

Stefan:  So, yeah.  This movie had EVERYTHING.  It had monsters.  It had ink.  It had Monster ink.

Seth:  Oh, like the kids movie?

Stefan:  No, it’s that thing where you tap the veins of the creature from the black lagoon and spray its ink on unknowing passers-by, then take pictures of their reaction face and sell it back to them for $10.

So, yeah, see…here’s the list:

  • Godzilla wants everyone to GET OFF HIS LAWN!
  • Big spoiler here but I’m really disappointed there were no Godzilla drop kicks.  If Godzilla doesn’t drop kick King Kong in the next movie I’m going to ask for my money back.
  • I only remember scattered pieces from the first Godzilla movie of this monster verse but like, the human characters were way less dull.  Bradley Whitford can be in like every movie he wants to also.
  • Eleven is the Mark Hamill of Stranger Things
  • Vera Farmiga is so hot.  I remember seeing her first in “Up in the air” or whatever it was called with George Clooney and Anna Kendrick.  Yeowzuh.  She purdy.
  • Kyle Chandler has a love hate relationship with Godzilla and its understandable but it felt weirdly forced when it shouldn’t have.  It was like he was mad at a dog that bit him and he had an unwarranted need to see it put down.
  • Ice Cube’s son should have blown more stuff up.
  • I thought Rodan was the three headed one.  Damnit.
  • I liked how they made King Ghidoran (or whatever) have the heads look like the Chinese dragon heads.  It was a cool look.
  • So King G spits lemonade while Godzilla spits blue raspberry.  Sweet.
  • Mothra is totally waiting for this shit to blow over.
  • Damn whales, the cause of all of the worlds problems all the time everywhere.
    • Although I just watched Rampage over the weekend too and they fucked up Chicago in broad daylight.  THE CROCODILE CRAWLED UP AND THROUGH A DAMN BUILDING IT WAS SICK.
  • Thanos wasn’t in this movie, but if he was Godzilla would have survive the snap but the Woolly Mammoth would not have.
  • GoT guy, Tywin, is like the best evil dude but at the same time drastically underutilized and felt hollow.
  • The Godzilla scream sounds like an electrical tower falling over.
  • Ken Watanabe wanted to boop the snoot.
  • I didn’t see Aqua man anywhere in there.
  • Hollow Earth was going to be my garage band name.
  • Godzilla will be back in his next movie in 2021 where he battles the dragon from GoT, the monkey from Friends, the gorilla’s from Gorilla’s in the Mist and ALF in the Antman suit so he’s really big.  Giant Alf…GALF.


There.  There is the list.  I’m sorry.

Go see Godzilla if you want to watch giant monsters fighting each other.  Don’t go see Godzilla if you like to complain about things like darkness and storms and people and volume.

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