Review: To All The Peter Kavinsky’s

I watched three movies this weekend.  Wait…when did I decide to post this?  On….Tuesday.  Okay good then never mind, I was on the right track.
I watched three movies this weekend, one I’ve already seen and two that I haven’t.  One came out in May….or at the beginning of June.  Either way its old so I’m not gonna go over it again.  It was aight, funny, same old same old (DP2).  The other one just came our like….a week ago.

And here is my completely pointless review of…

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before


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The Unexpected Gift

I’ve come across a nice tornado of prompt and mind that seemed to meld well together.  Over at Ray NotBradbury prompt-o-thon she had an interesting prompt that I decided to participate in, “The Unexpected Gift.”  My idea is…dumb, to say the least but it made me laugh and really that’s all that matters because I rule.

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First I Lost My Ear, Now You Lose Your Life

Doesn’t this picture look like a poster from a Taken sequel?  Qui Gon Jin actor (or whatever spelling is correct) stars as Vincent Van Gogh (pronounced with a hard G for effect) out for revenge on the bastard who took his ear.  This is my pitch to Hollywood for the story:

Vincent Van Gogh, tortured genius and angrier young-version of the Lannister dad dude (that got like shot on the can or something by Bolivar Trask), was a poor and unknown painter until one morning he woke up missing a part of his ear.  The ear was gone but a note was left that simply read, “bitch.”

As a man of brilliance and mental lunacy, this drove him mad and he vowed to find whoever was responsible and bring them to his own form of vigilante justice.  The problem?  He doesn’t know who it is.

He will now have to piece together clues based on his most famous paintings to find the person responsible.  This globe-trotting take on the revenge action thriller is packed with enough buckets of blood colored paint to soothe your tortured soul.  But will Vincent find the ear lopping culprit or will his madness get to him first?

Starring, potentially, Eli Roth (wait no, Tim Roth!  I just looked it up and I had the wrong Roth [try saying that five times fast] in mind) as Van Gogh (remember, hard G).  I know I said Liam Neeson up there but I had a change of heart between writing that and writing this.  I’m fickle.

This girl, because I found her picture while looking for one of Peter Dinklage in that terrible Adam Sandler video game movie and YEOWZUH.  She has to be wearing the same outfit for the entire movie though.  No context given.  Nobody mentioning its out of the ordinary.

James Franco and Seth Rogen doing this in the background of some scenes.  Why?  Because.  It’s my movie.

Janelle Monae as random badass chick that steals every scene she’s in.  Spoiler alert: she’s in ever scene.

Javier Bardem because I just love saying his name.  His character’s name in the movie would be Javier Bardem and every time he came on screen people would announce his name in shock like they don’t expect him and say his full first and last name.

And my ideal director would be James Gunn because fuck Disney for doing exactly what right-wing dipshits wanted them to do.


Hollywood, call me.  Script is in the works.

In Appreciation of: Ross Geller

After a wicked-fun discussion with the lovely Lady Lazarus in the comments section of my post asking Bruce Willis to just shut up I got an idea that has been done…(googles to check the first page of hits) apparently 324,000 times but the Google machine will only let me look at about a hundred before it starts acting all Nazi like.  I wanted to write an appreciation of Ross Geller, brother of Monica Geller, son of Jack and Judy Geller on the fictional (yes its necessary to say its fictional) television show F*R!I#E^N$D”S.  (I couldn’t find colored asterisks, shut up).

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Shut up, Bruce Willis!

It has come out recently that John McClane himself has decided to go to the dark side of one of the hottest internet debates in the history of internetting: is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

I just have this to say…

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Way Back #2

This…this I don’t know what this is.  I was a terrible writer then.  I’m not even going to debase myself and say I’m not way better now.  This was just off the wall, bizarre nonsense that would come jumping out of my head at random.  So enjoy!Read More »

Review: You’re it!

Because I’m dumb and like to do dumb things I’ve decided to make this review thing a normal…thing.  What do you mean I said that already?  Oh, because I said that already.  Right.

Yeah but like, this is real now because I wrote the word “Review” with a colon after it.  I even made another category even though I don’t know how categories actually work.  This is like making something instagram official.  Big news.

Anyways, I saw this movie and like…figured why not.  This is my review of the movie…


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Review: Star Wars Tattoo! (not what you think)

In the third installment of my review series of reviewing things nobody asked for and I’m completely not qualified in reviewing: The Nova Scotia Royal Tattoo.  After looking it up because I was unsure what it was actually called I should probably call it by its real name:

The Royal Nova Scotia International Tattoo

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Review: Omg, dinosaurs are awesome!

Warning:  This is going to be dumb.  Read on at your own peril.

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